THOSE WHO PLAY WILL BE CHAMPIONS (ON VARSITY DIFFICULTY, AT LEAST). Denard Robinson is your cover athlete for this year's iteration of NCAA Football, joining the company of accomplished NFL quarterbacks like Chris Weinke, Joey Harrington, and Tim Tebow. Anticipatory congratulations to Mr. Robinson on his CFL contract in two years.

NOTHING IS HAPPENING. That's why we get to fret over minor injuries like Ameer Abdullah's, and wonder if this means Jadeveon Clowney should change his mind and sit out this season. The answer is yes, according to a poll of Tajh Boyd's vertebrae.

WE THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A FUNNY NAME. Then Cal's Bear Raid offense took the field with two grizzly bears in the backfield and went 4-0 before falling to Mike Leach and his musket. Though the pelts would fetch Leach a fine price, he keeps them and makes the world's most terrifying footie pajamas.

SUE YOUR KIDS. You took pictures of them, right? And they put them on Facebook/Tumblr/MyFriendzWeb.gs, right? That's infringement, probably. Look, law is like jazz - you just make it up as you go along and then act better than people who don't like it.

MACK BROWN IS THE BEST BOSS. Just look at those performance reviews for Major Applewhite. Why'd you give him all 10's, Coach? "Because they didn't have elevens."

ETC. Chinese Pork Water is a natural aphrodisiac! And so began our War With The Sea. DEMOCRACY HAS FALLEN.