FULMER CUPDATE: TEQUILA IN MY PANTS

THE FULMER CUP LURCHES TO LIFE WITH CLEARLY DEFINED POSSESSION CHARGES

This week's board finally gives Florida some company since winter is cold, and cold means drinking to cope with seasonal affective disorder, and seasonal affective disorder means everyone acting like crazy Swedish uncles in the dead of a peri-Arctic Circle winter. Haaaaaaaaay, Wazzu!

Scores and explanations follow.

Fulmercup-020413_medium

Note: ONLY for this update. Full tally to follow once we get the boardmaster on it, after he rolls up his gigantic wang onto his custom Reggie Nelson Brand jockwinch.

WASHINGTON STATE. When considering clothing that can hold alcohol, please: do not attempt to smuggle wine, liquor, or anything else that comes in huge bottles. Beer makes so much more sense, especially when considering its portability and the ease of consumption. People already make clothing designed exclusively for this purpose, aka the "Beer Hunter Jacket," capable of concealing an array of cans, bottles, and even a well-insulated 40 if the wolf-call of malt liquor finds your soul. (And at one point, oh, it will, woodsman. It will.)

Case in point: Wazzu wide receiver Drew Loftus, caught by Pullman police with two bottles of tequila stuffed down his pants. Having one bottle-sized dick is not probable cause, but having two is, even if you try to cover the crime by sauntering to the cash register with eggs. (The omelet: the food whose ingredients never include suspicion.)

Loftus was charged with theft and minor in possession, but a bonus point for brazen estuffante de los pantalones is due. Thus we tally a three point charge for Wazzu in the Fulmer Cup, and note that even under new management Pullman continues to be a small but unpluggable geyser of small mayhems.

TEXAS A&M. Aggie DE Kirby Ennis is big as a damn house and just as solid, but sure, you needed to brandish a gun, and thus pick up one point for the misdemeanor, and another point for being A DAMN THREE HUNDRED POUND DEFENSIVE TACKLE WHO FELT THE NEED TO LOOK MORE THREATENING. Two points for Texas A&M, and next time take a lesson from the Vikings, son: big men with guns are assholes, but big men who pull battleaxes out of their trunks can clear a whole zip code on fear factor alone.

TEXAS. Mack Brown recruited him as a quarterback, not a safety, so don't expect Connor Brewer to know how to play his coverages yet, so to speak. You force a wobbly one into police coverage on a Friday night in Austin, and you will get an MIP and public intox. No one noticed these two misdemeanor charges thanks to Major Applewhite's wandering Longhorn incident coming out after three years, but the Fulmer Cup sees all--even those things obscured by pesky pending litigation, and the nasty things it unearths.

Two points for Texas in the 2013 Fulmer Cup are awarded. Related: Phil Simms stammering and trying to tell someone, anyone, about all the illicit ass his son has had over the years. ("Nine months? Chris cheated on his wife when she was THIRTEEN MONTHS PREGNANT. I'm Phil Simms! Walls terrify me with their determination and strength!")

VIRGINIA TECH. Cody Journell receives no points for this:

Announcer: "...and that's the last timeout. This game is basically over!"

Guy: "Aw, man. But what if we don't wanna go home?"

Cody Journell: "I can make that happen wait shiiiiiiiiiit---"

[drops pepper spray can on ground]

[it goes off]

[Buffalo Wild Wings empties, and everyone goes home to their gross families and people who love them ewwwwww---]

BUFFALO WILD WINGS! IT SMELLS LIKE TACKS IN YOUR LUNGS!

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