THE CURIOUS INDEX, 02/04/2013

Give ten percent of your high school talent to Ole Miss or face eternal damnation!

HUGH FREEZE IS A WITCH. That is one possible explanation to Ole Miss tearing things up on the recruiting trail. (He's the good kind of witch, though. Like on Charmed. Not that we've ever seen Charmed or own it on DVD.)

CREAM RISES TO THE TOP, SUCKAS. Derek Dooley doesn't need your stupid college job anyways, jerkfaces. Maybe he'll just go to Dallas, where he can lay clear the path for Football's One True Savior, seen here in a stunningly accurate rendering on the side of a gas station.

TELL ME MORE ABOUT THESE ALTERNATIVE STRUCTURES. Something's going to take the place of Toomer's Oaks, and we want to know what, dammit. An eagle enclosure? The world's largest waffle cone? An ice sculpture of Tommy Tuberville that miraculously never melts? When reached for comment, Harvey Updyke said "I can poison a waffle cone ROLL TIDE."

SPEAKING OF SCULPTURE. Davin Bellamy is just a recruit who happens to be passionate about modern art small enough for the home, man. Next you'll be taking issue with his throw pillows that look like kilos of cocaine. Have fun at Pier One Imports, you gauche morons.

FOCUS GROUPS ARE MIXED ON BW3'S NEW "BLINDINGLY SPICY" OFFERING. Are we going to blame the college kicker for setting off a can of pepper spray in an enclosed space, necessitating its evacuation, or are we going to blame the person who gave said can to the college kicker? THEY AREN'T GOOD WITH THEIR HANDS, DAMMIT. No Fulmer Cup points pending here because apparently Buffalo Wild Wings is not interested in our entertainment.

ETC. BY ORDER OF THE KING YOU CANNOT PARK HERE ON TUESDAYS BETWEEN 11 AND THREE. Will Leitch begins the Smart Football For Whatever Shannon Sharpe's Job Is campaign. SMASH SMASH SUHMASH. Soccer - like other sports you love, but with 10 times the corruption!

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