THE ALABAMA WEIGHT ROOM MAKES FAT CRY

SABAN CONTROLS THROUGH SMOOTHIES AND SHAME

Sweat is just your fat crying. Blood is just your heart spitting. Kool-Aid is what is excreted when fat people's teeth are frightened. There's a weird juice that comes out of Charlie Strong's scalp when he's excited. If you towel it up, wring it out, and drink it you'll add 300 pounds to your power clean and see in infrared for days afterward.

Did you know Alabama has a smoothie bar in their weight room, with smoothies and everything? And a Bod Pod, so Nick Saban can fat-shame you with data. Perhaps we've now learned the secret behind Nick Saban's powerful mind control of his players: to give you delicious bulk-gaining smoothies, make you bigger than you've ever been before, then put you shirtless in the bod pod and go "Great, but...if you could only lose those last five pounds, kid. Then you'd be perfect."

Nick Saban will always say this, because as we've said before, he is everyone's abusive husband who wants you to be just this much better than you are. No, no, you look good, Alabama football, we guess. That little ripple of fat over the belt loop is okay if you're into comfort, yanno. You're comfortable with a little bit of weight, and you're probably beautiful on the inside, is what Nick Saban is saying while not sounding like he means a bit of it and spray-painting the words "MEDICAL SCHOLARSHIP" on the wall.

P.S. He knows the air don't have calories, is what he's saying:

(VIA)

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