GAINESVILLE - In a startling revelation, the University of Florida announced today that the European horsemeat scandal has crossed the Atlantic Ocean. "Working closely with British safety authorities, we have confirmed the presence of equine DNA in our facilities," said Athletic Director Jeremy Foley in a prepared statement. "As responsible holders of the public trust, we could not sit on this information. I want to assure our fans and the community that all of our protocols have been overhauled to ensure this never happens again."
"Also, I am, for the fiftieth time, NOT a horse," concluded Mr. Foley.
Horsemeat, though generally safe for human consumption, can often contain drugs used by veterinarians, and its mislabeling as beef in several European countries has created serious concerns about the efficacy of food standards worldwide. Most recently, popular home products company Ikea ceased meatball sales in 14 countries after questions about the product in Czech stores. The Food and Drug Administration, however, indicated they'd had no other allegations of horsemeat substitution in the United States.
A report released by UF indicated that several members of Florida's football team, all on the offense, were, in fact, not humans at all, but piles of horsemeat poured into jerseys and cleats. Though no names were released due to privacy concerns, highlights of the report included the following:
- An all horsemeat wide receiver lineup took the field for the Gators against Missouri.
- Horsemeat offensive linemen were rotated in during the first half of the Georgia game; all were eaten by Jarvis Jones.
- Players and assistant coaches often did not know if the quarterback on a given play would be human or horsemeat.
- Andre Debose refused to play in formations that included horsemeat players, citing a scripture passage coaches later learned was entirely made up, as the Book of Psalms does not include the phrase "stinky-ass horse feet."
- Horsemeat players accounted for one hundred and sixteen rushing yards and a touchdown against Florida State.
- Improperly refrigerated horsemeat was used for the entirety of the Sugar Bowl.
Notably absent from the report was any explanation of who within the Florida Athletic Department provided what is estimated to be at least 5800 pounds of horsemeat. One source, who requested anonymity, reported that Head Coach Will Muschamp is "known to order from super-sketchy meat suppliers online" and "holy shit I've seen him just sitting in a training tub full of raw chicken parts laughing and eating."
When asked to comment for this story, Muschamp coughed up a half-digested bottlenose dolphin head and referred us to the University's press department.