THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRADE DEADLINE

USA TODAY Sports

A FEW SUGGESTED TRADES FOR TEAMS IN NEED

We're only just starting to look at depth charts, but on the NBA trade deadline, we ponder a few trades that would work out for the best for all concerned, except for Purdue. (Who just wants something, anything to make them feel alive.) Jadeveon Clowney may not be traded to Georgia, because he is a refugee from a destroyed alien world.*

*He may have destroyed it.

One quality Florida defensive lineman for Jordan Matthews. Will Muschamp's stacking them up like so much beef for the winter, and with five wide receivers waiting to ripen out of the 2013 class, Florida needs some grabbyhands types and needs them fast in order to have anything like a semblance of an offense. "No way, Jose!" you say, Vanderbilt. That's why we're throwing in this tax attorney specializing in offshore trusts just to sweeten the deal for free. Until NYU grows an SEC-quality football team, it's as good a deal as you'll get for developing a pass rush while hiding valuable taxable assets. Now we're speaking the same language.

Trade a spare QB for any of Texas' safeties. Anyone can do it, really. The next step is to place that safety at QB, and watch them win the Heisman Trophy. Your old QB will beat out David Ash for the starting job, and save Mack Brown's job for another year. Maybe you don't really want to do this, Texas fans. Forget we said it, unless you want Texas to make this trade with itself, and thus suck the entire universe into a paradox-pit. <---DO IT AND BLAME OKLAHOMA.

Georgia trades a tailback to South Carolina for a defender to be named later. South Carolina needs someone in the backfield after Lattimore's exit, and running back-rich Georgia just needs....someone on defense. That player cannot be Jadeveon Clowney, who is an alien, and whose migration to the Peach State would violate Georgia's strong anti-immigration laws. Tell South Carolina fans the same about Clowney's resident alien status, and they will not care. Hell, I'd let him lay his evil alien eggs in my esophagus, dude.

Stanford trades TE/OL to UCLA for QB. With a starter nailed down, Stanford would deal one of its QBs to UCLA in return for anyone over 6'2" and 230 pounds. David Shaw will then take him and turn him into a serviceable tight end, all-conference offensive lineman, brilliant chemical engineer, or possibly all three at once. UCLA will have acquired a backup for Brett Hundley, something they may need after the universe gets hungry and remembers its favorite snacks are the connective tissues of UCLA quarterbacks.

Florida State trades a defensive back for a quarterback. FSU, in a perfect world, would be out marketing a defensive back, or any of their other embarrassment of riches on the defensive side of the ball, in exchange for one quarterback thanks to the departure of E.J. Manuel. Ideally this would be Clemson trading Chad Kelly for said d-back, both because FSU needs quarterbacks, and also because Chad Kelly in Tallahassee would be a never-ending spout of soft-serve excellence for us to feast on for years.

Purdue trades their punter to Ohio State. Because the Buckeyes need a punter, and Purdue just wants some respect, or at least recognition they're alive, dammit. Failing that, they will take a dot-matrix printer and an autographed picture of Chris Spielman.

Kentucky and Maryland trade teams to each other. Would anyone notice? This is a question of science, and science runs on experiments. Let's makes some correlations and test some hypotheses, world.

NO ONE TRADES WITH ALABAMA. They're like Iran with a better W-L record. Embargo their asses, even if Nick Saban has this "amazing" sale on six guys he really, really needs to get off the roster before April. He is full of lies, and fifth year seniors strangely resistant to the all-powerful process.

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