The greatest part of the Urban Meyer Turtle Woody Hayes Penis brouhaha is that someone at Ohio State had to send this letter. That someone is OSU athletic communications person Jerry Emig, and he writes the best subject lines ever.

Date: Feb. 12, 2013

To: Media Covering Ohio State Football

From: Jerry Emig

What: Joke

This note is in response to the headlines that are running on the internet that don’t seem to take into consideration that Coach Meyer told a JOKE to a crowd of high school coaches last week. He was telling a story about toughness and he exaggerated a story about toughness. It is the same story he has told numerous times before, including last year at this same convention; only the coach he talked about last year wasn’t Coach Hayes, but Coach Bruce.

So please know: the story about toughness that Coach Meyer shared with a crowd last week and the year before and numerous times before was a joke and only a joke.

Thank you in advance for your clarifications.

Jerry Emig

Jokes usually have introductions in some context as jokes, Jerry Emig, but we're happy that in the course of your professional life you had to write a response letter to the internet about a story involving a legendary Ohio State coach letting a turtle bit his dick. That happened, and to give you that clarification you're waiting on: it was beautiful.

P.S. Jerry Emig, on the scale of most Ohio names ever, is a solid #38 all time.