The 2013 Holiday Bowl kicked off at 10:15 p.m ET last night. It would not end until nearly two in the morning. This is the journal of two miserable souls who watched the entire thing right down to the last Todd Graham-flavored drop.*
*Do not consume Todd Graham in liquid or solid form, ever.
[Texas Tech roars out to an early lead]
SH: AHAHAHAH FUCK 'EM UP, KLIFF. MAKE THAT ASS A WINDSOCK.
CHT: "Todd Graham, house flipper" is the most accurate description of anything, ever.
SH: That man screams dodgy real estate and freshly planted Japanese maples in the front yard.
CHT: "Inspections take forever, but hey--look at that pool!"
[Arizona State goes on 45 play, 38 minute drive to end the first half, and arrives at the goal line dehydrated, lost, and suffering from the symptoms of exposure and exhaustion.]
SH: They're not getting shit out of this drive.
SH: Look at them. Their body language is done.
CHT: This is the dumbest goal line sequence ever
[Arizona State flounders, settles on a horrendous rushed field goal that they miss, pretty much accepts loss of game at this point]
CHT: Why the fuck didn't you spike it you dumb shit.
SH: Seriously watch the players right now. They're like, "That guy? Fuck that guy. Fuck that guy so hard."
CHT: God, he's such a dick. I can't wait for him to flame out spectacularly at Florida.
CHT: Oh accept it. Accept it. Accept it. :)
SH: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. Here, hit this. No, it's cool, hit it. You'll be fine.
CHT: (Nothing is real)
SH: (You'll pass out before you die)
CHT: (kill your parents)
[Halftime. Arizona State scores, Texas Tech answers, and the game farts along and the Sun Devils get more and more hopeless.]
SH: The best part about Todd Graham is that the headset is the hook you can hang your dislike of him on. Other dudes might just wear that with no issues, but on him it's like a crack in in the foundation you can just pour termites into.
SH: "Go get that bastard you little geniuses"
CHT: Oh god i just figured out what that's about: HE DOESN'T WANT TO FUCK UP HIS HAIR.
SH: Or he's sensitive about having a fat face.
CHT: "SCREW YOU FRENCH POMADE AIN'T CHEAP ASSHOLE."
SH: Because he's got EWAQ syndrome: Ever Widening Aidan Quinn. Gain ten pounds, eight of it goes to his fat face. So the little headset? It's slimming. Like pleated pants for the face.
CHT: A male beauty mark.
SH: It's like a red flag that you're really thinking hard about looking like you're not thinking about your creeping bloat--oh god it's more house flipping. NOPE THIS COACH AIN'T FAT LOOKA THAT DAINTY LIL MIKE ON MAH FACE.
[The Texas Tech Raiders would go on to win 37-23.]