TWO SCIENTISTS MADE YOU A TEXAS COACH

Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

SCIENCE SCIENCE SCIENCE SCIENCE EVERYWHERE

DR. SMARTULA: This is an emergency call from SCIENCE! Texas needs a head coach, and quickly! The nation is depending on us, Two Scientists!

TWO SCIENTISTS: We have just the thing, Dr. Smartula!

(bass drops)

A NEW COACH
Hewn from champion robots for Texas
The state where the football oil and bovine sex is

Half strategist, half recruiter
With a third testicle made of pure pewter

He'll be programmed to charm like the Mack 5000
But enjoy football, unlike the Mack 5000

A cowboy hat the size of a radar dish, boots made of jerky
Back tat of Lillian Gish, his credit history, murky!

A tactical mind with a romantic's heart
He'll combine power runs with postmodernist art

More XBox One than a dusty Atari
Will loot recruits with cash from Qataris

WE SAID QATARIS. Oman, don't get twisted
He'll make it Bah-rain with motions two-wristed

Our robot coach was made without flaws
And per Asimov, he obeys three laws

Law one: lose to Oklahoma once in a while
It keeps Stoops from building up too much bile

Law two: win the Big 12 without murder
Exception made for Holgorsen, that dirty-ass surfer

Law three: Appear on Longhorn Network 24/7
Even though it's not available on Earth or in Heaven

A rancher's rapport
A Senator's grin
Like Art Briles without the Waco within

On offense he's deadly
On defense he's able
One leg is hollow
To drink foes under tables

Built-in anti theft features too
If the Vikings try to steal him, he melts into goo

The Vikings still want to hire a puddle of goo? Shit, we have to work on that.

Leave two legs for walking and two more for running
One leg is his penis, another's Jim Bunning
That's right he's got a senile Republican limb
In West Texas it helps bring recruits straight to him

Add two arms, do the math, you might say he's arachnid
It seems weird but to victory this spider's attracted

A cloaking device helps him sneak into rooms
Then he releases his sinister mind-control fumes

You are powerless against them, there is no escape
Now 10-2 Texas is in the playoff, not 12-0 Florida State

WEAVIN WEBS WITH EIGHT LEGS! He's a one man band
Cowboy spider he's a rider with a scholly in hand

But the most important feature in this bionic Texas coach?
There's a kill switch hidden in his bolo tie brooch

YOU MUST NEVER FORGET THE KILLSWITCH WHEN YOU DO THIS WORK
We learned lessons from the time we built this dumbass jerk

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The following liabilities are required by our legal team as an endnote
BOW BOW BOW BOWWWWW:

He may emit smoke
He will bark at the sun
Challenge the sky to a fight
Might ask a punter to run

His political views will be hazy at best
His eyes will wander to your wife's chest

He will be sued at least once
For lewd behavior on duty
This is Texas after all
We can't program around booty

There'll be a Chevy Impala
He'll need that Chevy Impala
Do not ever look in the trunk of that Chevy Impala
You might think, "oh, let's see what's in the trunk of that Chevy Impala"
YOU MUST NEVER EVER LOOK AT THIS CHEVY IMPALA.

With your robo coach, you will do great things
You will win at least three Alamo Bowl rings

Schedule Rutgers twice just to beat Ron Prince
Lose to Rutgers twice, man fuck a Ron Prince

Keep him out of the rain, he's not water proof
May catch fire fast like his name was Ted Roof

But he will never cry, he will feel no pain
He will never ever ever ever go insane

Here's the secret, Texas, as you may determine
This robot is actually Coach Mike Sherman

GIG EMMMMMMMMMMMM

Well, at least it's not Franchione.

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