THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/27/2013

Sam Sharpe-US PRESSWIRE

DAVID CUTCLIFFE AND HIS AMAZING CUBICAL BRAINCASE

DAVID CUTCLIFFE'S HEAD IS THE WEIRDEST. Just look at its extreme angularity.

If you think you've seen it before, it is because you have.

BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE: The bowl calendar rolls on with three games today: the Grumman Military Bowl, The Texas Bowl, and the Fight Hunger Bowl. No, really, they put all three of those on one day, and dared you to watch. AND YOU'RE NOT A PUSSY SO YOU'LL DO IT, RIGHT?

HAIL PITT. They won, and that's the good news. The bad news: Spilly is probably preparing a victory feast, and thus reducing the Pittsburgh area to a biohazard area unfit for man, beast, or unmutated microbe.

ENDINGS ARE ALWAYS BAD AND DO NOT FORGET THIS. Jordan Lynch's finale in the Poinsettia Bowl was ugly, but don't let it ruin what was an amazing college career. Also, Utah State is very mean and likes to hurt people on football fields.

SYRACUSE HAPPENS TO BE A CHARITABLE, SUPERB FANBASE. TNIAAM is sending 1,400 kids to watch Syracuse play Minnesota in the Texas Bowl, which to be fair should be a good game, and is not a form of child cruelty masquerading as charity. Excellent work by all.

WITH SO LITTLE PIZZA IN THE BOX YOU SEE/ IT'S KINDA HARD TRYNTA BE THE PIMP LCB. Yes, they did run out of Little Caesar's Pizza at the Little Caesar's Bowl last night.

BE CONFIDENT BE CONFIDENT BE CONFIDENT. Jake Spavital needs swag, confidence, and basically just have enormous balls all the time because you are Kevin Sumlin's assistant, and the Sumlin administration is based on being as insanely aggressive at all times as possible.

ALSO YOU HAVE THIS MAN AND ATTENDANT BOVINE CONCUBINES.

That helps, too.

MISS U, CHIP. "Fuckin' score points. What's your plan?" Please stop being successful in the NFL, Chip Kelly, because Florida 2015 needs you.

HATIN' ASS SPURRIER IS REAL, VOLUME 3,409. From Pat Dooley's piece about Florida hiring a Duke offensive coordinator:

"The last time Florida hired the offensive coordinator at Duke was 24 years ago," Steve Spurrier said. "You tell the new guy he has to score in the first two minutes of the first game like we did."

And if you don't, well, you must not be as good a coach as the Ol' Ball Coach. Happy Holidays from Steve Spurrier.

ETC: The giant inflatable penis sticking out of a window in the first two minutes really is just a warm-up here.

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