PIZZA VS. CREDIT

Jeremy Brevard-USA TODAY Sports

JUDGING THE RELATIVE MERITS OF TONIGHT'S BOWLS FOR NO GOOD REASON WHATSOEVER

Two bowl games await you this evening - the Little Caesars Bowl, featuring Pitt and Bowling Green, and the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, showcasing Utah State and Northern Illinois. Yes, the former starts at 6:00 EST and the latter doesn't kick off until 9:30. Yes, that means you can watch most of both. No, that will not stop us from pitting them head to head for our own amusement. ROUND ONE FIGHT!

LOCATION

Detroit is a blighted moonscape of abandoned American classics, so known for its unredeemed disaster that it spawned its own genre of "ruin porn." On the contrary, San Diego is a thriving, beautiful city that is currently home to Phillip Rivers.

Advantage: Little Caesars Bowl

ABILITY TO KILL

The poinsettia's toxicity is largely exaggerated - a 50 pound child would need to eat over 500 poinsettia leaves to reach a potentially poisonous level. Six slices of Little Caesars, however, can kill even the largest man. Mourn you 'til we join you, Andre the Giant.

Advantage: Little Caesars Bowl

ORIGIN STORY

The first Poinsettia Bowl was played in 1952 between Bolling Air Force Base and the San Diego Naval Training Center in what sounds like a miserable rainstorm. In attendance was recent Marine Corps enlistee Hayden Fry, who was forced to sit in the stands with other servicemen so CBS could get a good crowd shot.

The first Little Caesars Bowl was played in 1997 in the Silverdome and had Randy Moss.

ADVANTAGE: Alternate history where young Hayden Fry watches time-traveling Randy Moss beat Bolling AFB and then win the Korean War with six touchdowns and a "making breakfast for your mom" pantomime.

BROADCAST TEAMS

The Poinsettia Bowl will be called by Mike Bellotti and Joe Davis, while the Little Caesars Bowl gets Dave Lamont and Ray Bentley. We would like to remind you that Dan Hawkins is available to provide color commentary for any and all midweek bowl games because come on what the hell is Dan Hawkins busy doing.

ADVANTAGE: Poinsettia Bowl, because Bellotti's the only one we could pick out of a lineup.

MVP HISTORY

Dan Orlovsky and Curtis Painter have both won most valuable player honors at the Little Caesars Bowl. Last year's defensive MVP in the Poinsettia Bowl was Kyle Van Noy.

ADVANTAGE: Poinsettia Bowl, because siding with Curtis Painter is a level of self-harm we're not yet ready to embrace.

THE WINNER - Two points for Little Caesars, two for the Poinsettia Bowl, and one for a historical fiction novel featuring Randy Moss hurdling the 38th parallel. Conclusion: you should really watch this absurd video of news bloopers.

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