HATIN' ASS SPURRIER LOOKS TO THE ROSE BOWL

Streeter Lecka

THE PANHANDLE WILL BE TORN APART BY THE NATIONAL TITLE GAME

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Gonna miss Mack Brown, but finally he can get back to doing what he really loves: not coachin' football.

I know some people think Missouri got stomped, but ask the Braves how hard it is to be a champion in Atlanta.

Bobby Petrino's gonna be at Western Kentucky for a second year, so that time you got held back in elementary school don't look so bad now, does it?

Tough year for injuries in the SEC East. Florida and Georgia both lost a ton of guys, and clearly Vandy fans were all home with the flu for months.

It stinks that Teddy Bridgewater didn't get a Heisman invite, but airport security would have been the toughest defense he faced all year.

Wonder if anyone's ever had sex on the Heisman? I don't, and neither does Johnny Manziel.

Looking forward to Bob Stoops in the Sugar Bowl. It's like if Sisyphus had man-boobs.

The biggest miracle Gus Malzahn pulled off this year is making Jay Jacobs look competent.

Mark Dantonio says Michigan State is a destination, which is true if Destiny has a shitty ACT score and no connections.

The former CEO of Zales went to A&M, so now you get why they're paying an 8-4 coach five million a year.

The Iron Bowl isn't a real tax-exempt bowl game, so stop saying you were "born again" there, Auburn fans. You still gotta pay your taxes no matter what that crayon-illustrated passport you got there says.

The Pac-12 was one hell of a Mexican standoff this year, so let's all be thankful it didn't get deported from Arizona.

Speaking of Arizona, George O'Leary gets to fight a bear in the desert. He should win that fight, unless the bear agrees to go through one of George's workouts.

Somewhere there's a car wash, and in that car wash is a Camaro. And it's goin' through the line, and there's Dave Wannstedt. He's pounding the glass goin', "NOT THE HOT WAX! IT'LL RUIN THE SHINE! HER SHINE, I TOLD YA!" And somewhere up at the register, Lane Kiffin's watchin' porn on his phone, and muttering about how he doesn't give a good goddamn about your car, Tom Selleck.

Abortions are just barely legal in Alabama, meaning Lane Kiffin talking offense is still not a punishable offense in the state

Fortunately for Michigan, Buffalo Wild Wings is Brady Hoke's second home.

Traffic is a serious issue in California, but in event of a traffic jam FSU fans are more than used to sleeping in their own car, or even someone else's in a pinch.

I'm gonna miss the Coaches Poll being relevant. It'll become our version of the House of Lords, and not just because Bill Snyder fought for Charlemagne.

Gonna be expensive finding game tickets, but it's not like you spent that money on college, did you, Auburn graduates?

"Do They Know It's Christmastime" is really about the Alabama coaching staff. (Spoiler: they don't.)

Auburn-FSU is gonna tear apart more panhandle families than Maury Povich.

The last time this many broke white people hit the road for Southern California Rose of Sharon ended up breastfeeding a hobo in a barn.

You couldn't fit more white trash in a bowl by stuffing Death Valley to the brim with styrofoam.

If you see a celebrity on the street, FSU fans, you should say hello. That's probably gonna be Scott Stapp for you. Be ready! He's gonna ask for money.

"But I was paying my inner child support" ain't gonna convince the judge, y'all. But it will help you pay for game tickets, FSU fans.

This is gonna be the first time most Auburn fans have seen roses outside of a conjugal visit.

I recommend Auburn fans stay away from The Price Is Right, since they're guaranteed to overbid. $180,000 for a juco dinette set?

California gets earthquakes, or as Auburn fans call 'em, "The Devil's takin' Zoomba Class."

FSU fans, don't learn this the hard way: Jack in the Box is NOT an adult store with video booths.

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