THE EDSBS BRAWL-AMERICANS

Kevin C. Cox

THE ONLY LIST THAT WILL MATTER ONCE SOCIETY CRUMBLES

The mothership has put together its All-America Team for 2013, which is great if you like "excellence" and "guys who will play in the NFL" and "research." But who says those are the qualities that make us American? Sure, we're all excellent (UP TOP MY MAN) but the vast majority of us won't play in the NFL. What about the greatness that doesn't show up on a stat sheet or in a film session? George Washington never had a pass defended. Would you contend he was not All-American?

Of course not. Because G-Dubs was a fighter. That's what makes this country great, and we'll take this outside if you disagree. Presenting the 2013 BRAWL-AMERICANS:

HARRISON WAID, EXTREME PUNTING BADASS, SAN JOSE STATE

Oh, you think you can just push a guy around because he's a punter? You think the punter's just going to take a cheap shot and jog off the field meekly? Man, you picked the wrong special teams member to fuck with.

MARCUS HALL, FEARS NOTHING IN THE STATE OF MICHIGAN, OHIO STATE

"I don't think it's appropriate to compile a list honoring people who start rumbles in public. What kind of message does that send to your impressionable younger reade-"

NATHAN CREER, DAD STRENGTH SQUARED, ILLINOIS

Fathers who do not get into fights at sporting events in which their children are participants simply do not care about the outcome of the game. Nathan Creer is not, and never will be, that father. IT'S NOT PACIFIST ILLINI, DAMMIT.

DANIEL RODRIGUEZ, FREEDOM FIGHTER, CLEMSON

The dude fought in Afghanistan and Iraq and then scored as many points as Citadel did.

DO NOT STEP TO THIS, ENEMIES OF THIS NATION. HE HAS A PURPLE HEART AND WILL GIVE YOU TWO BLACK EYES.

KIRK BOTKIN AND DEKE ADAMS, TRUST NOBODY SPECIALISTS, SOUTH CAROLINA

Fightin' is not all about brute strength and imperviousness to pain. You also need strategy. Strategy to know not only what your opponent may throw at you, but that your opponent...may be on the same damn team.

Don't you ever think that just because we wear the same team-issued polo I won't take you down in a heartbeat.

KRAFT, ENEMY OF HUNGER, KITCHEN CUPBOARDS EVERYWHERE

Rest of you bowl sponsors ain't fightin' shit. STEP THE HELL UP AND KNOCK ILLITERACY IN THE FUCKIN' MOUTH, AUTOZONE.

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