THE CURIOUS INDEX, 12/12/2013

BELK? BEEEEEELLLLLLLLLKKKKK.

BELK? Belk belk, belk belk belk belk. Belk: belk, belked.

Belkingly? Belking belk. Belk belk, belkers.

THAT SOLVES IT. Oh, a recruit said Nick Saban's staying well that's it case closed moving on nope there's no reason Saban wouldn't say that nope--

PUNCH HIS ASS, DIRK KOETTER. Chris Petersen reiterates the "it was time" mantra about his departure from Boise to Washington, and is reminded that Dirk Koetter is supposed to punch him in the face for leaving Boise. Petersen says Koetter would likely pull the punch, and we think DIRK KOETTER OFF THE TOP ROPE OH MY GOD KING HE IS PUMMELING PETERSEN MERCY SOMEONE HAVE MERCY ON THIS POOR MAN--

DIACONNECTICUT. The Notre Dame defensive coordinator gets the UConn job, meaning Houston Nutt to Arkansas State is SO CLOSE TO HAPPENING, Y'ALL.

STUNNA CHRISTMAS. Happy holidays from Howard Schnellenberger, who lives on a plane of elegance and pure style you cannot even fathom, mortal. That is a silk shirt, and now you're naked. You're all naked and liking it.

THAT'S A SERIOUS MISCOMMUNICATION. Baker Mayfield is the Big 12 Freshman Offensive Player of the Year thanks to his role in the burgeoning Kliff Kingsbury points machine out in Lubbock. Baker Mayfield is going to transfer from Texas Tech due to a "miscommunication" with staff over fellow QB Michael Brewer starting in the Red Raiders' bowl game. That's a hell of a miscommunication that ends up with your promising young quarterback transferring, but 18 year olds are weird anyway. (We almost transferred after our freshman year at Florida, but warrants and house arrest do limit your options.)

WHO REALLY KNOWS WHAT ASPARAGUS IS? FSU's defensive coordinator doesn't know what it is, but if you think Will Muschamp isn't in the same boat then oh ho ho ho ho you would be oh so very wrong. "DON'T KNOW ABOUT ASPARAGUS. THAT LOOKS LIKE SOME KINDA ALIEN DICK. ALIEN DICK IS LIKE OFFENSE: IT DON'T HELP ME WIN GAMES."

THE HOTTEST COACHING CANDIDATE WITHOUT QUESTION. He just need a chance, y'all.

MEMPHIS FOOTBALL HAS THESE THINGS HAPPEN. The story of Memphis State (i.e. modern Memphis) coach Rex Dockery gets the big treatment at the C-A. It is paywalled, but is something you should know about anyway.

ETC: Zach Randolph is one of our finest Americans. Yes, that is a fine t-shirt and we will take one. CHINA IS PERPETUALLY WILDIN' OUT AND CANNOT BE STOPPED.

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