FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW: RUTGERS AT UCF

Douglas Jones-US PRESSWIRE

BLUE DAYYYYS/ BLACK NIIIIIIIIGHTS/ GEORGE O'LEARY'S GONNA HUNT YOU DOWWWWWNNN FOR TAKING THE ST. PETE BOWL AND ALL THOSE BEEF O'BRADY'S GIFT CARDS AWAY FROM HIM

NEBULOUS STATISTICAL COMPARISONS OF DUBIOUS VALIDITY: Perhaps the only thing one needs to know about UCF is that they ruined Louisville's season, are surprisingly better in terms of efficiency on offense, rather than defense, and that Blake Bortles is their quarterback, and that he is quite capable of beating up on weaker competition. If necessary, he can also throw amazing TDs to beat weaker competition, as he did last week against Temple. Let's not talk about the Temple game, and just remember the "beating Penn State and Louisville in the same year" thing.

Rutgers, meanwhile, has the following wins over FBS competition: Eastern Michigan, SMU, Arkansas, and Temple. We are in a year where Arkansas may be fairly grouped in those teams, so don't let it stick out too much. Last week, the Scarlet Knights allowed 619 yards to Cincinnati, the fourth time this year they have allowed over 500 yards offense. These are no Schiano men, which is good because it probably means they are happy, likable people who won't be fired in a matter of seconds for being dicks. The bad news is that not being Schiano Men makes them terrible at defense, and going into a game facing a very good offense. BORTLES KOMBAAAAAAAT.

ADVANTAGE: UCF

UCF, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

MASCOT:

Rutgers and UCF both have plush cartoons for mascots, a look we generally frown on since a.) they don't blink, and that's always a bit terrifying in human form (see Sparty's constant grim glare as the primary case of this.) We instead default to the old mascot of UCF, still undefeated in any and all mascot challenges: The Citronaut.

Half-astronaut. Half-orange. 100% winner.

ADVANTAGE: UCF

UCF, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

AURA

You know it must be something special if a stadium is named after a cable company, the most loathsome rentier states from the 20th century economy, but we had to admit: like you, we knew next to nothing about Bright House Networks Stadium, UCF's home field.

Thankfully, Twitter came to the rescue and told us just how special it is.

That last one is especially true--UCF claimed they were up to code without water fountains because they sold bottled water for the low price of three dollars a bottle.

ADVANTAGE: Rutgers

RUTGERS, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

NAMES

Rutgers

J.T. Tartacoff

Nick Internicola

Razohnn Gross

Brian Stonkus

Savon Huggins

UCF

Jock Petree

Cal Bloom

D.J. Killings

Shaquill Griffin

Shaquem Griffin

Did you read the Rutgers names? Not too shabby. Somebody on that team's probably turned "Stonkus" into a verb, and not for something pleasant. Go ahead, look over those chosen Scarlet Knights again. We'll wait.

NOW FORGET ABOUT THEM BECAUSE UCF HAS TWIN BROTHERS NAMED SHAQUILL AND SHAQUEM THIS ARGUMENT IS OVER AND THERE IS NO RIGHT TO APPEAL.

ADVANTAGE: UCF

UCF, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

GRUDGES/SCORES TO SETTLE/SHEER CUSSEDNESS

These two teams have only played once, facing off in the 2009 Beef O'Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl. Rutgers walked away with the prestigious Loincloth Made 'O Tater Skins Trophy in a game few Rutgers fans likely remember, the current coaching staff included. George O'Leary, however, probably sits smearing lipstick on his non-existent kissin' bumpers in his basement, "Telephone Line" playing in the background, tapping the name "RUGTERZZ" written on his killing list on the wall.

ADVANTAGE: UCF

UCF, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

SUMMARY: 4-1, UCF. A blowout win for UCF in the Factor Five presages a likely blowout on the field tonight, but hey: UNLV/AIR FORCE MIGHT HAVE SNOW. (Yes, tonight's slate is so bad we're rooting for frozen water.)

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