FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW: GEORGIA TECH AT CLEMSON

A SURPRISE WIN FOR GEORGIA TECH, SAYS MATH WE JUST MADE UP

NEBULOUS STATISTICAL COMPARISONS OF DUBIOUS VALIDITY

People talk about every game Clemson should have won on their schedule save for one: Georgia Tech, the oddly stubborn object we never mention when counting the various objects Dabo Swinney's team has swallowed over the years. For a moment you thought we were going to say "choke," because this is Clemson, and people still assume collapse memes when discussing the Tigers.

No, this is different. With a 4-2 record against Dabo Swinney, Paul Johnson's Georgia Tech teams let you consume them whole, and then punch their way out of your system like with the determined, steady thump of a prehistoric insect. Steady is the word: third in the nation in time of possession, the Yellow Jackets prefer a leisurely pace for their offense, taking a note from Paul Johnson's idyllic mountain upbringing. Another word: pounding, much like the bears and other woodland creatures Paul Johnson had to scrap with for food in the North Carolina hills, and also like the fourth ranked rushing attack in the nation.

In fact, in terms of overall F+ rankings, they're only four spots behind Clemson despite having a quarterback who can't run the triple option that well. They'll face a Clemson team whose time of possession just reads "MAYFLY LOL," and whose offense will make very brief appearances tonight. Tajh Boyd will be like the Sasquatch of South Carolinian Piedmont: appearing briefly, and lumbering through the forests of blockers like the mythical woodsman himself. Whether he does it throwing touchdowns or as a prelude to punting is the question we have no answers to, particularly as feisty as the Georgia Tech defense has been lately. *

*Shhhh don't talk about the UVA game they've got some weird vendetta against tech schools, and take it out on GT. No idea why.

Still, Clemson is the better team by the numbers here, and like your mother has the ability to score from anywhere on the field in less than seven minutes.

ADVANTAGE: CLEMSON

CLEMSON, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

MASCOT

Buzz has more character, color, and overall awareness of the world around him, and his place in that world, than 8-Ball the Tiger. He appears at damn near every student event, occasionally just saunters around campus for no reason whatsoever, skydives, wears tights and can get away with it thanks to fabulous legs, and has never wavered in his loyalty to a simple pair of black Chuck Taylors. He can rappel, and if your mascot is not named Jaxson de Ville, yours cannot.

Buzzrappels_medium

Additionally, Buzz never stole your car in the middle of the night and left it in a Gymboree parking lot in Conyers. Buzz never then called you from that Gymboree, saying he was trapped inside "A CENTIPEDE'S BUTTHOLE LIKE A REALLY BIG ONE I MEAN THE CENTIPEDE NOT THE BUTTHOLE SINCE IT SEEMS PROPORTIONAL BUT I'M NO EXPERT ON CENTIPEDE ASSES MAN." Buzz never repeated the same three stories over and over again while you tried to coax him out of what turned out to be a playground fun tube inside a Gymboree, and also did not come out only on the condition that "THE SWAT TEAM SINGS ME THE THEME TO PERFECT STRANGERS AND THEY HAVE TO MEAN IT DO YOU HEAR ME THEY HAVE TO FUCKIN' MEAN IT WITH ALL THEIR HEARTS."

Buzz never does any of that at all, or sells your silverware for cocaine, and that's why he's the best.

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DRUGS!

And don't give us that shit about the Ramblin' Wreck being the mascot. He's an official mascot as of 1980, which is good because driving a car onto a football field is deeply unsafe, particularly if 8-Ball's anywhere near the place. (Also appropriate for Atlanta, the home of stinging insects and unsafe motoring.)

ADVANTAGE: GEORGIA TECH

GEORGIA TECH, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

AURA

Death Valley is very, very loud, and Clemson fans do not care that their ACC and national title chances were dashed by Florida State in...that thing that happened. They have short memories in South Carolina in general, and not just because of the high amount of naturally occurring poisonous metals in their water table. It will be a heinous environment, even if Paul Johnson does not care.

Which he does not. Because Paul Johnson doesn't care, either about you, or him, or life, or that baby dangling off yonder barn over there. "Don't know how he got up there, but got a good idea how he'll get down, though. I fell off three barns when I was a kid, all stacked on top of each other. I didn't cry. No one should. We were a barn-stackin' town. Not that I care if you know that or not."

[sucks on teeth]

ADVANTAGE: CLEMSON

CLEMSON, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

NAMES

Clemson

Stanton Seckinger

Fesser Bell

Bashaud Breeland

Collins Mauldin

Spencer Region

Georgia Tech

Roderick Rook-Chungong

Daris Commissiong

Jabari Hunt-Days

Jimmie Kitchen

Beau Hankins

We've done this without reusing any names from Clemson's earlier Factor Five appearance this year (sorry, Maverick Morris), but there was still plenty of meat left on the Tiger bone. Can we convince medical science to name something the "Spencer region?"

This Factor, however, tips in favor of Georgia Tech, because how can you not love a defensive lineman named Kitchen? Go ahead. Try. It's like keeping your eyes open while you sneeze - some people can do it, but it's creepy and weird.

ADVANTAGE: GEORGIA TECH

GEORGIA TECH, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

GRUDGES, SCORES TO SETTLE, SHEER CUSSEDNESS

[looks up sheer cussedness in dictionary]

20121204_kkt_bb4_586_medium

If this is a measure of who's grudgier, meaner, and less inclined to give a shit about anything, including this game, you, the universe, the aforementioned imaginary child falling off a barn roof, football, and certainly the Clemson Tigers, it's this man, and his football team. Imagine him and Dabo riding for 800 miles in the same car together. Now take the awkward silence between them, add them up, and you will have enough of them to fuel a Ricky Gervais vehicle for the next eight million years.

ADVANTAGE: GEORGIA TECH

GEORGIA TECH, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D!

SUMMARY: 3-2, GEORGIA TECH, YOU'VE BEEN FACTOR'D! Not that you want to be, but that's what the made-up bullshit just said.

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