HATIN' ASS SPURRIER: COCKTAIL PARTY EDITION

Grant Halverson

CHEER UP MIZZOU IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN'T USE YOUR VCRS FOR SOMETHING ELSE

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If Mizzou got over the death of VHS porn, they'll be fine after last week.

How'd the Cardinals do?

I think Dan Mullen and MSU are a perfect match, considering everyone who gets married in Mississippi "couldn't do any better."

Mike Riley's the nicest man in coaching, which is why he lets everyone else cut in line for the Rose Bowl.

Always thought Mike Leach would be a great guy to have on a guy's weekend in Tijuana because he won't have anything to do with the runs and doesn't give a shit about protection.

I don't know why people complain about Christmas creep. Illinois-Penn State's way more Good Friday.

Wisconsin fans like to drink straight from the tap and love travel savings, so check for 'em drinking ethanol straight from the tap on passing train tanker cars this weekend, Iowa fans.

You ever see a man rob a package store using a rattlesnake? You ever been to a Fresno State game? I'm askin' the same question twice here.

I don't think Florida can blame all their troubles on injuries. Some of Will Muschamp's stupid has nothing to do with that demolition derby accident.

p.s. You ever see that man get bit in the jugular, and still go to the game? And wave to him, because he's the State Ag Commissioner? Now I'm askin' about Columbia, South Carolina, and the best football fans in the world.

There's no rivalry trophy for UNC-North Carolina State because you can't have mouth cancer for two years and then lose it in overtime.

If you put UCLA and Colorado together you could spell "Our Old Cloaca," and that's funny because neither team has anything to do with the Big Ten.

I think FAU made the right decision with Carl Pelini, because Tulane's uniforms, like everything worn in New Orleans, are 24% peyote.

I'm not great at board games, but I'm terrible at "California Wildfire or Cal defense." Just awful at it.

All talk with nothing to back it up is bad policy in football and swingers clubs, and you'd think Bret Bielema would know that by now.

You might think Southern Miss killed a gypsy, but I've seen Mark Emmert and he looks fresh as a daisy.

Tennessee playing Missouri would be a redundancy if we had an ATF Bowl.

Don't worry, Norm Chow. Record book says Bobby Bowden had a winless season, too.

If the rapture happens this Saturday at 8:00 p.m. and it requires sleeves and a clean criminal record then there's still gonna be a stadium full of people in Tallahassee, then.

Notre Dame's playing Navy. In other news from 1947, I just shit my diaper and that's what you get for serving me creamed peas, Momma.

I don't believe in ghosts, but I do try to stick my hand through the chest of anyone who says they're a Rutgers fan.

I bet Mike Gundy misses Brandon Weeden now, and not just because he always had great stories about Vichy France.

Crohn's disease is nothing to joke about, so remember that when Brady Hoke poops himself on the road again.

Connecticut's the Nutmeg State. Smoke it and you'll see demons that sailors couldn't handle. Or don't, and get Houston Nutt as your coach anyway. Life's like that sometimes.

There's gonna be nearly eight million dollars worth of annual salary on display when Texas plays Kansas, but Mack Brown's wig lady earned every cent of it.

Johnny Manziel playing in El Paso means "SACK—ANTON CHIGURH" is a real thing you might see in that there box score on Sunday morning.

Y'ever seen Will Muschamp work  a crossword puzzle? He only does the Across clues.

You look at most of these people wearing a sweatshirt that says "SPARTANS" and tell me body dysmorphia isn't real.

Living off turnovers is more of a Brady Hoke thing, but Mark Dantonio's just got that kind of metabolism, I guess.

I'm an old Southern man with a driver's license and even I think these teams can't pass for shit.

Vanderbilt's off this week. Let's pretend that's the reason why nobody shows up to the stadium.

You know the whole Hindenburg was incinerated in around 34 seconds? Ever wonder why it takes Purdue fifteen minutes to do the same? Get on the stick, "engineers."

Won't learn much about football by watching VT play Boston College, but you can find out if you skin and smoke a whole Goldendoodle in three hours.

Not fair to blame Will Muschamp. Not having a quarterback's hard. I had nothing but Noah Brindise and Doug Johnson one year, and we barely won ten games. Like I said, it's hard.

Heard someone call Kliff Kingsbury the Miley Cyrus of coaching. Seems silly to me. Kliff coaches naked and swingin' with two huge iron balls between his legs, not one.

Auburn University's the only licensed daycare in the state of Alabama, but there's still no excuse for losing a toddler like they did a few years ago. #RIPTERRYBOWDEN

Northwestern/Nebraska'll end the way most parties in the Midwest do, with someone waking up with a sore ass in a cornfield.

Dana Holgorsen's gonna be pissed when he finds out TCU's not the active ingredient in marijuana.

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