THE CURIOUS INDEX, 10/8/2013

Kevin C. Cox

DON'T MAKE US TALK ABOUT ANYTHING BUT FOOTBALL, HUNTING, AND LIQUOR, PAT DYE

WHERE PAT DYE PUTS YOU IN A WEIRD POSITION. It's really fun to read Pat Dye quotes about liquor and football. For instance, take this one:

I asked Coach Bryant if he wanted a ride home. He said, "Yes, if you won’t tell anybody I got in that damn Auburn plane." Of course, he was just needling me. From time to time, Coach Bryant would go on the wagon. But he wasn’t on it that day. He drank a fifth of vodka from Memphis to Tuscaloosa. He could sober up with an act of will when he had to.

Well, thank you, Pat. It's nice to know that Bear Bryant was not just a drinker, but at times a sorcerer of the bottle, capable of inhaling gallons of mind-killing, body-crippling booze without so much as a whimper. It's what we want to believe about the world. We also want to believe that we don't have to defend the indefensible choice of Condi Rice for anything, even something as insignificant as a college football playoff committee, while also saying that the things you said about her are stupid, and probably deeply sexist.

We'd also like to take even money on the last time Pat Dye watched a late night Pac-12 game, since we've got the mortgage on you not having watched Stanford once this season.

Sincerely,

Someone Else Who, Like Chip Kelly Or Mike Leach, Did Not Play College Football

GRUDEN'D. Good to see the University of Tennessee is setting trends, since USC just had someone pull the Gruden Maneuver on them by offering Tony Dungy a shot at the USC job despite this person not being Pat Haden or an official representative of the university. It's weird, but they know exactly how weird it is, evidently.

If someone offers you the USC job, remember as always to demand ID and Ed Orgeron's refrigerator full of Red Bull as part of your contract.

THAT IS A METAPHOR. Oklahoma and Texas really should take the logical next step and honor the history of the Red River Shootout by taking those gold-trimmed uniforms, dipping them in batter, and deep-frying them before wearing them on Saturday. Then, to honor the recent history of Texas football, they should be eaten whole by the Oklahoma football team.

DON'T TAUNT THE TUBA PLAYERS. We don't care if you're a professional football player capable of blocking a man into cinders. There are two people you do not mess with in the band: a tuba player, because they have friends with large metal things they can swing in a fight, and the color guard, because those wooden rifles turn into clubs with a terrifying quickness.

THIS REALLY IS NECESSARY. You would be amazed how many people get it wrong unless you remembered how many Miami fans have difficulty making the complex series of gestures and movements it takes to get to a football game in person.

CHRIS FOWLER WILL PROTECT THE HALLOWED TRADITIONS OF GAMEDAY. Our quiet statesman, doing the work of the republic. (Via r/cfb)

ETC: See, doc, Michael has been busy.

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