OPEN THREAD, FIRST SHIFT

John David Mercer-USA TODAY Spor

DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE EARLY

I'm sorry, just where the hell do you think you're going?

The bathroom? Son, there are catheters for a reason. Rooting for Bama's like being an astronaut - you're gonna eat powdered food and only see your family once every three months and feel honored in the process.

Snacks? Shouldn't need those either. If you'd purchased Coach Saban's How To Photosynthesize For Fun And Profit video series, you'd be getting all your snacks from the life-giving sun.

Sick relative? What, now you're some sort of physician? Coach saw your AP Chemistry score. You'd be lucky to change a bandage without killing a patient.

You've died? Well, what's the damn point in leaving? You're certainly not in a hurry to do anything.

This is your first open thread. Butts in seats, people. You wanna mill about and go to the outlet mall after halftime, transfer to Miami.

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