JESSE PALMER AND DAVID POLLACK NAME ANIMALS

Richard Heathcote

DON'T ASK QUESTIONS. WE HAVE ANIMALS. WE HAVE FICTIONAL JESSE PALMER AND DAVID POLLACK. THEY HAVE TO NAME THEM AND TALK ABOUT THEM. THE PLOT IS NOT EXPLAINED.

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DP: Cat. One of the Mexican ones.

JP: Totoro.

DP: My aunt had one. Wouldn't use a litter box, only pooped in the sink.

JP: I dated a girl who had one of these, though it was much smaller and she called it a Dustbuster.

DP: Your face is a Dustbuster

JP: You lived in Cincinnati.

DP: I did?

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DP: Sea badger.

JP: No, a sea badger has thumbs. That's a milk asp.

DP: You can't say that on air.

JP: Sorry. "Calcium" asp.

DP: Calcium Ten, buddy. I'm not catching girl from the regular stuff.

JP: I saw Blackledge swallow one of these whole, once. He wasn't even on camera. He was just bored.

DP: If you let a woman carry water using your bucket then your back will break out in boils. I learned that in Gwinnett County Schools, which are great.

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JP: At first I thought this was a Narnia Dog, but see how the whiskers curve down instead of up? That's how you can tell it's a cockatiel.

DP: Can't recommend Cockatiel enough. Upper West Side, supposed to have a fantastic steak, great atmosphere. Real good time there the other night. I don't eat.

JP: Saw Jim Tressel there just last week. Sounds like he's gonna get moved up to head assistant busser soon.

DP: OH MAN THAT'S COUNT DUCKULA--

JP: Good for him. I'd like to cover Terry Bowden in pocket lint and turn him loose in the wild to see if this would take him in as one of their own. Right, DP?

DP: Since when is Terry Bowden not covered in lint?

JP: Gets pretty cold in Ohio, Dave. Lint is warm and free.

DP: The main thing you have to worry about as a laundromat owner is vent gap integrity. Terry gets in there on a lint hunt, and you're gonna have a fire. No doubt.

JP: Lint fire's no laughing matter. Jim Fassel died in one.

DP: And you'll note there was no 15 yard penalty for that, because he wasn't a quarterback. They're making it impossible to play defense.

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JP: I thought snapchats disappeared after ten seconds.

DP: [JUMPS HEADFIRST OUT OF BOOTH]

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DP: Why is Dennis Franchione wearing an Oregon uniform?

JP: I know this is pro news, but Andy Reid's done an amazing job with the Chiefs this year.

DP: If we brought a wooly mammoth back with science, is it paleo?

JP: Only if the mammoth does burpees until it throws up.

DP: Tell you what, strength coach Tom Fortinbrahs of Oklahoma State can make any animal throw up. Isn't that right, donkey?

RANDOM DONKEY IN THE BOOTH: FUCK THAT GUYYYYYYYYYEEEHAAAWWWWwwww---

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.DP: Kickers, amirite?

JP: They're either the hero at the end of a close game or you're chaining them to a water tower with "NO COPS" spray-painted on their torso. College really was the best.

DP: We did that last night, Jesse.

JP: Sorry, Brock Huard. You just have a kicker's face.

DP: I'm sorry, but it's just my opinion that outlawing the shiv-block was a mistake. That's just how I feel.

JP: That animal's actually the beautiful Turkeypuss. A species I became very familiar with while taping THE HATCHELOR, airing this spring on ABC Family

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JP: For the record, I did NOT like Pan's Labyrinth.

DP: Well, it looks like Scooter, our family cat who got hit by an ice cream truck and never really walked straight after that. Scooter only lived for three, maybe four more years, and they were painful ones. I...I can't believe I'm telling this story. It's been so long.

JP: No, that's a Manitoban Attic Grumbler. I know about these. You gotta burn them out before they steal all the good cable channels straight outta the wires.

DP: One night, my brother and I went out to the backyard where Scooter was buried. We were just kids, and we thought we could raise him from the dead or something. It seems dumb now, but we just missed that cat so much.

JP: Uncle Rory had one he ignored until it was too late, and that's why he lives in Oaxaca now, and sleeps with a pistol under his pillow, and a mean Mexican woman named Consuela at his side.

DP: Jason couldn't find the family Bible because it was dark and we were scared to turn on the house lights. So he grabbed the first thing he could find: a 1990 Syracuse preview magazine. (Dad bought a lot of weird junk at garage sales.)

JP: Funny thing about Grumblers: they'll steal every bit of copper in the neighborhood, but won't sell it. Do it for the joy of metal theft alone.

DP: We read it backwards, and sprinkled some Fresca on the grave, and then...nothing. The next day, Scooter's grave was torn up something fierce. We just assumed a possum or something had gotten to him.

JP: Say what you will about them, but they're tenacious. Unless you use the cleansing power of fire, they'll live somewhere forever.

DP: Now...now I don't know.

JP: Most famous one's probably Rob Ford. Neil Young's half-Grumbler, but he doesn't like to talk much about it.

DP: What did we do, Jason? What did we MAKE?

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DP: I don't think that's an accurate map of Florida

JP: ...Dad?

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