A TROLLISH PROPOSAL

Dave Reginek

HOW IS THIS NEWS? (ANSWER: IT ISN'T)

The College Football Playoff announced months ago that semifinal games will be played on a rotating basis in six existing big-name bowls. It's a fine idea, if you are afraid to try new and possibly crazy things, which we are not. Given that there's still over a year to make changes, we propose an alternative: force programs who aren't in the Playoff to host semifinal games, and do it in such a way that it drives them fucking insane.

Let's take the current top 8 teams in both polls and create a few possible matchups to illustrate how this would work in practice:

Alabama vs. Clemson. This one's obvious, so start setting up those Airbnb accounts, Auburn students. It's time to rent out your dorm room for the weekend at an exorbitant rate to a member of the South Carolina state bar who has a fetish for lofted beds.

Oregon vs. Florida State. We're sending you to South Bend (sorry), and we encourage you to be as new money as possible when you get there. Maybe go in together to build a Jumbotron that, after this game, is on all the time and only plays BET: Uncut.

Ohio State vs. Texas A&M. Invading Darrell K. Royal, and featuring special Coin Toss Guess and Texas Whipper Rick Neuheisel. Halftime show will feature 25 of the best recruits in the state choosing one of three commitment hats - one for the Buckeyes, one for the Aggies, and one that just says "OTHER/NON-LONGHORNS." (Please note that this game will also be shown on every channel in Gainesville. Even Home Shopping Network, to the disappointment of Florida coaches hoping to purchase additional items from The Marie Osmond Offensive Play Collection.)

Louisville vs. LSU. Michigan Stadium will be forced to host a) a Michigan Man and b) a pizza-funded program and still gain nothing from the outcome whatsoever. We will also require that this game be played at night under blacklights, mostly because we suspect no bacteria grows on Charlie Strong out of fear and respect.

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