Hey, buddy. You thinking of starting a career in coachin'? That's great.
I'd like to sell you on a little place I call Florida State. Coming right out the gate, you'll have opportunities no one else has. You'll be bouncin' around, doin' things, showin' real energy. You'll coach all the best athletes Florida State can offer:
- Fast bigs
- Big fasts
- Fat fasts
- Tall fasts
- Fast slows
- Those dudes
- More guys
- Tommy goblins
- Deep reachers
- Clownfish 'n anemones
- Our guys
- Team players
- Play teamer
- Pay meters
- Gettin' after it kinda fellas
- Sick on the ground with malaria fellas
- Milk hammocks
- Mama's boys
- Double wides
- Triple wides
- Actual homes with a proper basement you bought for your poor dear mama who brung you this far in life so she deserves a swimmin' pool albeit an above ground because you don't want people assumin' you got airs to put on
- Tight endseds
You'll get to coach 'em all. You'll also get to do it at the greatest academic institution in the state of Floruda,* and in a cosmopolitan capital city on the rise, Tallahassee. All the amenities of the big city!
With downhome charm:
Our open positions as of today:
TOUCHDOWNS is in charge of makin' it all go. That's also me, too. No, I got it. Just hold this towel and keep track of my timeouts. That clock'll get ya! Oh man will that clock get ya. May have to hold two towels if I'm really signallin' 'em in big and fancy. Must bring own towels.
Work with the quarterbacks closely. Develop their talents. help them achieve the highest possible level of haha buddy I'm messin' with you, this is a recruiting position. Get a sackful of phones from the local Salvation Army, wipe the memory cards, and get to callin'. I catch you on Rivals on company time and I'm sending you to UAB. I have that power, because Alabama law is a really weird thing.
Running backs coach. But a panther is involved. I'd tell you how but the competition's always listening. Except for Will Muschamp. Been deaf since he tried to cure a sinus cold by setting off a whole pack of black cats in both ears. But yeah: you'll need a towel for this one, too. Mostly for the panther if everything goes right, and for you if it doesn't.
Apply today, and GO NOLES.
*A seven county tax-free independent republic located in the Florida Panhandle ruled by me.