FULMER CUPDATE: IT'S CHARLIE WEIS' FAULT

US PRESSWIRE

WHEN ALL ELSE BREAKS DOWN, IT'S TIME TO BLAME CHARLIE WEIS

The sleepy start to the Fulmer Cup season can be blamed on the frosty weather. Presumably, people are committing criminal acts just as our founding fathers intended: discreetly, and in the privacy of their own well-insulated homes. You say, "Well, it's only fifty degrees in Athens, Georgia?" Fifty degrees is enough to kill the thin-blooded Georgian, and leave them as frozen on their mopeds as foxes in the Scandinavian wastes. Floridians exposed to such temperatures simply shatter.

Hardier types like Kansans dare to venture out in such brutality. This has to make you angry, at least angry enough to get a misdemeanor charge when someone suggests you leave the comfort of a fine establishment like Tonic in Lawrence, Kansas. Kansas linebacker Ben Heeney made that exact decision, and receives one point in the Fulmer Cup for getting all fussy in da club in Lawrence.

As with all things, we blame Charlie Weis. Tonic, though, seems like a pretty great place per Yelp reviewers, who are compiled below in free verse poem form.

Once I had my drink

I proceeded to the raised platform by the DJ

and spent the rest of the time

watching drunk sorority girls

dancing on a small table,

flashing their cooters a la Paris Hilton

while drunk frat guys desperately humped their legs.


Maybe I just expect more from a night out.

This place just feels....vapid.


I'm not without a sense of humor

but if you have a customer of size

or someone who probably has a great personality,

don't you think

it's kind of screwed up

to potentially turn a customer away

with these kinds of things?


Some creepy, fat, bald guy

kept waving at my girlfriend

and I was told

that he was there every weekend

... wow.


It took me 30 minutes

to get one drink,

and at one point

the guy behind me

decided

to grope

my ass.


Pleasant.

In summary: that's one point for the Kansas Jayhawks, endless unfair blame for Charlie Weis, and a definite EDSBS field trip to Tonic when we visit Lawrence, Kansas.

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