WHEN ALL ELSE BREAKS DOWN, IT'S TIME TO BLAME CHARLIE WEIS
The sleepy start to the Fulmer Cup season can be blamed on the frosty weather. Presumably, people are committing criminal acts just as our founding fathers intended: discreetly, and in the privacy of their own well-insulated homes. You say, "Well, it's only fifty degrees in Athens, Georgia?" Fifty degrees is enough to kill the thin-blooded Georgian, and leave them as frozen on their mopeds as foxes in the Scandinavian wastes. Floridians exposed to such temperatures simply shatter.
Hardier types like Kansans dare to venture out in such brutality. This has to make you angry, at least angry enough to get a misdemeanor charge when someone suggests you leave the comfort of a fine establishment like Tonic in Lawrence, Kansas. Kansas linebacker Ben Heeney made that exact decision, and receives one point in the Fulmer Cup for getting all fussy in da club in Lawrence.
As with all things, we blame Charlie Weis. Tonic, though, seems like a pretty great place per Yelp reviewers, who are compiled below in free verse poem form.
Once I had my drink
I proceeded to the raised platform by the DJ
and spent the rest of the time
watching drunk sorority girls
dancing on a small table,
flashing their cooters a la Paris Hilton
while drunk frat guys desperately humped their legs.
Maybe I just expect more from a night out.
This place just feels....vapid.
I'm not without a sense of humor
but if you have a customer of size
or someone who probably has a great personality,
don't you think
it's kind of screwed up
to potentially turn a customer away
with these kinds of things?
Some creepy, fat, bald guy
kept waving at my girlfriend
and I was told
that he was there every weekend
It took me 30 minutes
to get one drink,
and at one point
the guy behind me
In summary: that's one point for the Kansas Jayhawks, endless unfair blame for Charlie Weis, and a definite EDSBS field trip to Tonic when we visit Lawrence, Kansas.