Sugar has wondrous properties. Contrary to what dentists say, it makes your teeth incredibly strong, because teeth are like any other muscle: they crave exercise. So sugar is basically like interval sprints for your mouth. It's also our most renewable energy source, because you can get it from TWO different plants. Most importantly, the Sugar Bowl brings together two of the most hated rivals in world history: teams Pie and Cake.

That's why we play the Sugar Bowl, America's most delicious sporting competition. (Sorry, discontinued Pretzel Bread Slam Dunk Contest.) And that's why you watch it, a chocolate donut in one hand and a bowl of ice cream in the other, for dipping purposes. SUGAR: The Dinosaurs Didn't Eat It And Look At Those Idiots Now.

There's also a football game, but we're not talking about that right now because feelings and emotions. Facing Charlie Strong is like seeing your mom's ex-boyfriend that you really liked in the grocery store and sure you like your new stepdad fine even if he does like Jeff Dunham way way too much but man we had some good times together Charlie. Feelings like that.

2013 was not supposed to be about feelings, dammit. Comfort us, Freek!