MEMO: THIS WORD IS DEAD NOW

BUTTHURT IS DONE. PLEASE STOP SAYING THIS.

MEMO: Please stop using the goddamn word "butthurt."

The reasons for this follow.

ONE: You are allowed to experience emotions as a sports fan. In fact, you are encouraged to, particularly if you are a man and subscribe to the glorious male tradition of subverting emotion, burying it beneath the earth, and then watching it explode from weak spots in the psychological crust. Your team is a volcano, and occasionally it explodes and takes out an entire city or two, ruining emotional weather patterns for months afterward.

TWO: "Butthurt" implies some unreasonable degree of personal pain or anguish. This always seemed inaccurate from the start, since it's medical fact your ass can hurt for no reason whatsoever. Even those cursed/stupid/stubborn enough to root for the Jacksonville Jaguars have an explanation for their pain, unlike sufferers of Proctalgia Fugax, the proper term for "your ass literally just cramping up and causing you pain for like, no reason whatsoever."

THREE: If you would like to, please use this as the basis of a team's personally inflicted pain over the next year. We would suggest "Proctalgia HOOax" for the anguished UVA fan, but that would require finding personally anguished UVA fans. When you find one, please pass this information on to them immediately.

FOUR: Telling someone they're irrationally anguished over a sporting event happens one of two ways. One, this person is RIVALS.COM, and wants to RIVALS.COM you. Fuck them, and RIVALS.COM, because you're better than that. You demand saucier, fresher repartee, and will tolerate nothing less than the finest in convivial taunting. What this commenter wants to do is trade accusations of homosexuality and inferior social status, and if you like doing that then RIVALS.COM for you.

FIVE: They may be implying that you are irrationally bent over the outcome of a sporting event. THAT'S THE POINT YOU FUCKING SHITWALLABY. SPORTS IS WHERE YOU GO TO GET IRRATIONALLY BENT WITHOUT COST BECAUSE ANYWHERE ELSE YOU GET INSANE IS A PLACE WHERE THEY CALL THE POLICE SAY YOU'RE BEING INSANE OR FIRE YOU. IT'S THE PLACE WHERE YOU CAN GO ALL-CAPS IN REAL LIFE IN VERY SHORT DOSES WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT GETTING TASED. IT IS ONE OF THE DESIGNATED AREAS FOR THIS.

YOU KNOW WHO ELSE GOT BUTTHURT, BRO?

Ed Reed then went out and destroyed eleven lives singlehandedly, because sometimes caring means putting your helmet between a man's shoulder blades at high speed.

SIX. The first comment on this will be "sounds pretty butthurt, bro."

SEVEN. THIS VERY DATE AND INCIDENT WAS LITERALLY THE LAST TIME THIS WORD WAS CLEVER OR REMOTELY APPROPRIATE:

Appomattox-1_medium

IF YOU ARE NOT EITHER OF THESE MEN cease using this word immediately.If you are, then please bring us your time machine, especially you, Grant. You're too drunk to drive, much less time travel.

P.S. First draft neglected the important butt-related research of Rear Admiral Mobute, who proposed this in a piece here. Read it. Advance the field of anti-butthurt studies yourself.

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