Sam Greenwood - Getty Images
Rick Muscles is here to remind you of everything red-blooded Americans should love and hold dear. Never mind the bit about Derek Dooley.
Rick Muscles' triumphant return comes in the form of his top 25 fantastic things about life this week. One of them is Ole Miss' very brave quarterback, Bo Wallace. Good luck Bo!
This is the season of polls. Lately, we’ve seen lists of the top sports twitter accounts, top twitter feeds we’d like to go to Burning Man with and, of course, the AP and Coaches Poll.
HOWEVER, only 1 list truly matters:
RED VELVET RICK’S TOP 25 OF THINGS AWESOME THINGS
Let’s get fucking weird, y’all!
25. David Lee Roth
In honor of Yom Kippur Diamond Dave has cracked the top 25. Fun Fact: This coked-up weirdo once named an album, "Eat ‘Em Smile." As an Ole Miss season ticket holder, THIS IS MY MOTTO!
24. Replacement Refs: The replacement refs got really close to running the NFL completely in the ground. As all you football fans know, only 1 man is capable of nuking of all football within a 250 mile radius, Houston Nutt.
After nearly destroying Arkansas football and sending Ole Miss back 25 years back (Let’s not kid ourselves, Ole Miss was 15 years back before Nutt came to Oxford) Houston must have been in charge of the replacement refs. It’s the only explanation for casinos to refund money due to a football disaster. Trust me, Giggity is football Chernobyl.
23. The Mantis Shrimp
This nasty creature scoots around the ocean floor killing and eating everything that comes in its path. It eats octopus, snails, crabs and rock oysters. Australian biologists call this creature, "The Thumb Splitter." After Stanford took out famous mollusk, Lane Kiffin, I think it’s about time we nickname the Cardinal, "The Thumb Splitters." Mainly because I like picturing a shrimp splitting open Lane Kiffin’s thumb.
22. Zach Mettenberger’s dad. The Mettsiah’s dad is the dude in the purple LSU shirt. Let’s be clear about something, the point of this post is to make fun of football as cruelly as possible. However, if there’s anything I’ve learned in my 31 years it’s never make fun of a gray hair dude with a handle bar mustache. It’s the best way to catch an ass whoopin’. (Photo via my pal @auburnhays)
21. Bo Wallace
Once again, a transfer QB has joined Ole Miss. Bo Wallace has long and beautiful hair. He is 6’4" and weighs about 205 lbs. He is leading the Ole Miss offense with a read option attack that is fairly effective this year. Last week, he suffered an injury and couldn’t lift his shoulder over his head. He runs with an upright running style. Once again, he is 6’4" 205 lbs.
This week he is playing college football’s most disciplined defense-Alabama. I certainly don’t want this to happen but it’s possible a UAB helicopter airlifts Bo out the stadium. God Speed, Bo!
20. The Wilson Sisters from Heart
I don’t have a million dollars but the possibility of me doing two women at once is always in the back of my head. Fingers crossed it’s the Heart sisters.
19. Manti Te’o
This dude is having an All American season for the NBC network. Let’s not kid ourselves, he might crack UGA’s starting lineup after the Athens city cops bust a pack Dawg football players selling salvia to a youth soccer team.
18. The CrossFit Games. CrossFit is the Scientology of weight lifting. So I enjoy watching CrossFit games because it’s kind of like watching the build up to the Jonestown Massacre. Cyanide-infused creatine would be a hell of a way to go out though.
17. Carrie Fisher’s coke spoon finger nail in Return of the Jedi
After seeing this I scoured the internet and checked all photos of Rick Neuheisel’s hand. So far my hypothesis of him being a coke fiend is unconfirmed. When I read Brett Ellis' "Less Than Zero" I pictured Neuheisel as Robert Downey, Jr's character from the movie.
16. This death scene –
It reminds me of watching Arkansas’ season. I can’t decide if it’s either the best or worst thing to watch. Why the hell didn’t Tyler Wilson go pro????
15. Pamela Anderson
Some of you Michigan fans out there with your cardigan sweaters and macbooks pros are probably all swooning over Zooey Deschanel. All I gotta say is real, red-blooded Christians still tug it to Pamela Anderson. Pamela has rad tats and nothing is creepier than hearing Zooey sing. It sounds like she has a hot dog stuck in her throat.
14. Kige Ramsey. Recently an eastern Kentucky man, carrying firearms, barreled past the secret service and attempted to attack President Obama. IT WASN’T KIGE RAMSEY! WAY TO GO KIGE! CONGRATS FOR NOT BEING INVOLVED IN THIS!
13. Derek Dooley’s Autoerotic Asphyxiation Belt. Do y’all think that black belt is the one? I can’t decide. Maybe he has an orange belt, it could symbolize Tennessee fans’ feelings about him. Maybe he still uses one of those preppy UVA belts to remember better times. More plausible: One of his mother’s old purse straps.
12. The twitter feed @erotichollyrowe. Recent Tweet: Hey y’all, reading 50 Shades of Grey in a bathtub full of gravy. I should call tonight, "50 Shades of Gray-Vee." *
*Someone should cut this before publish--ed.
11. This Meme. Ed Hochuli has been in the news lately and folks keep talking about his arms. JUST SO WE’RE CLEAR, I’ll destroy Hochuli under the rack, y’all! Keep your curl bar, Mr. Union Organizer.
10. Denard Robinson’s Pro Prospects. Dudes, he is going to be one of the most amazing players in the history of Arena Football. He’s got his ticket punched for the Tennessee Valley Vipers. Fun Vipers Fact: Their cheerleaders are called, "The Snake Charmers."
9. The Ole Miss–Bama Game. Recently dubbed, "The Dick Joke Highschool Bowl" by my pal, @lukezim. This is my favorite game of the year. I'm Aware no one else gets excited about this game because it’s a blood bath and it’ll likely be over with 12 minutes to go in the 2nd quarter. However It’s MY GAME, DAMNIT! Here is Doc Daily and the Magnolia Devils with "Alabama Day Dream" to help me celebrate:
8. The Sabanization of College Football. Recently Alabama Man Dance from @towerbammer came on my podcast, "Friends With Muscles." He described Alabama’s recent destruction of other teams as, "Kind of like when Walmart comes into a small town and forces small mom and pop stores to shut down." The recent expansion of Saban football into Tallahassee and Gainesville seem to be going well but I like how Knoxville’s branch is still on the verge of disaster.
7. Zercher Squats
All my weight lifting pals say only people in prison should do anything with the Zercher Grip. There is nothing more painful than getting the bar back on the rack with this lift. Man, these things hurt. I recommend doing these if you absolutely hate yourself.
6. My Cat, Mr. Knightly. This is a picture of me and my Cat having a gentleman’s dinner together.
Spoiler Alert: We both ate tuna fish. We’re into fitness, y’all.
5. David Pollack
David Pollack calls games with the demeanor of a young Dirk Diggler. Pretty sure Craig Fowler* paid $5.00 to see his dong.
*Editor's note: we think Rick meant "Chris Fowler" here, but leave this in to posit the existence of a worthless, low-down brother of Chris Fowler who tries to sponge off his name.
4. Erin Andrews. All y'all creeps are slobbering over Erin Andrews. Here's the deal. She has an ass flatter than a flash card. Let's not kid ourselves, she couldn't carry a load of laundry up a flight of stairs with that butt.*
*Editor's note: the opinions of Rick Muscles do not reflect those of the EDSBS staff or SBNation.com. Even she's a member of the tragically duck-butted club, and we say that only in the most technical of manners.
3. Squatting in a tank top.
You're in the weight room. You can hear the loud speakers playing, "Call Me, Maybe." You make a, "Call Me, Haney" joke in your head. Now you're ashamed. It's time for business. You rack the weight. You're not sure you can push it. Once again, it's time for business. You look at the weight. Your nuts quiver in your jock strap. You put the weight on your shoulder. The iron of the olympic bar touches your neck but the metal doesn't make your neck cold. The skin on your neck singes the olympic bar. It's time to push some fucking weight.
2. This Otis Redding Performance
It's a travesty this came in 2nd. All performances should be this rad. Man does this get hot at 1:19 mark.
1. 100% Cotton Shorts
They're the best for hiding your jock strap lines. Gotta keep 'em high in tight if you're gonna get down in the weight room.