WHAT THE HELL--
"Oh, someone will never make a parody video based on the SImpson's toss-off song about a gigantic SUV--" TODAY IS THE DAY WHEN YOU ARE WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING, SIR. Thank you so much, Hayes. Humanity owes you.
WOOO PIG OOOOOWWWWIE. Got a game against Arkansas? Then you know it's time to share them huntin' pics if you got 'em, TexAgs. By the way, should you think it's not necessary to shoot a wild hog with an AR-15, you have clearly never been standing in a field at night while they rumble through the bushes thinking about how indestructible feral pigs really are. (Pst: neither have we, but we watch reality television give us the life experiences we want to have, but don't want to earn.) And you thought TAMU wasn't ready for the SEC.
TWIS AND IOWA DUMPSTER FIRES. Iowa gets the lion's share of painscoping this week in Brian's survey of collegiate anguish, but do save a moment for the Arkansas fan who says "False hope is worse than death," because they may have just coined the 21st century's most memorable and relevant quote.
MMMM GRITS. Bill C tried to drive to every SEC town on the way from Columbia to Columbia for the South Carolina game, and though he ended up missing Gainesville (Hey! They have...a hole in the ground a Starbucks. Get to it later.) he did do almost all of it AND managed to not weep all the way home after watching Mizzou die in the Coop against South Carolina.
DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THAT AZTEK. The Pac-12 as cars by longtime EDSBS commenter/Scotsman DCTrojan gets Colorado right, though the Breaking Bad association means we're looking at the very real possibility of the Aztek running people over when they least expect it. Which just happened. And my god, the rest just falls into place, doesn't it?
HORNED FROGS VERSUS HORNED PEOPLE. TCU and LSU tossed the idea of playing a series and will instead simply open the 2013 season against each other in the JerryDome. Jerry Jones is now just scheduling gladatorial combat for his own pleasure, and is our cowbooted Augustus Caesar. Hail, y'all.
THAT'S ALWAYS GOOD. To be fair, just because someone in NOLA says they're trying to sell you a college football player does not mean they can sell you a college football player. Now, fresh human kidneys, AR-15s, and crawfish? All good offers. Football players? Iffy at best.
MMMM, TERRIFYING DEFENSIVE NUMBERS. Did you know Jarvis Jones only has 1.5 sacks, mostly because they don't count quarterback-deaths-by-crushing in NCAA stats? Some bulllllshit that is, mane.
PLEASE DO NOT PASS OUT WHEN WE SAY THIS. But seriously, Mark Bradley may have a real live point here about Paul Johnson's offense being fine, but his recruiting being way closer to Georgia Southern than Georgia Tech's. This is the one time a year we commend an AJC writer for something. Please mark it on your calendar. If it happens again, it's back to rehab at once.