RON CHERRY IS ABOUT TO SHOW YOU THE REWARDS OF ACC MEMBERSHIP

Membership has its privileges in the ACC, and none is richer than the bounty of ACC officiating and its prince, Ronathan Alastair Cherry the 4th, aka the Butcher of the Flats, the Declaimer of the Deacon Meadows, the Daft Death Valley Doorstop, the Mumbler of Memorial Stadium, and the Carter-Finley Combobulator.

Class one narcotics are illegal in this country. Fortunately, Ron Cherry is still legal, and for the television viewer entirely free. Suck this in your chest, hold, and feel the power for yourself.

Great officiating always begins with "After further review...well, first of all...." It concludes with the entire stadium, the announcers, Jimbo Fisher, and other officials included, staring dumbfounded while Ron Cherry grinds 60,000 to a halt singlehandedly. Why does Ron Cherry do this? So he can turn on his microphone, get behind the wheels of the English language, and tow a boat trailer called "The Rules Of American Football" behind it.

Listen to the announcers there: they have no idea what Ron Cherry is doing, saying, or even attempting to do. Don't feel bad if you don't, either. A loss of equilibrium, derangement, and a distorted sense of time are precisely the point. Ron Cherry is officiating ketamine, and does not do this once a game, but multiple times in a single game, stopping plays for no reason whatsoever, calling phantom fouls on request, and occasionally making up calls entirely while yelling at coaches questioning his mercury-poisoned officiating style.

In conclusion: your heart may belong partially to the ACC, Notre Dame, but your mind is already fully lost to Ron Cherry. He took it before you ever knew it was gone, and now it's in a jar along with every other brain of the ACC, all pale hemispheres floating in jars of formaldehyde in his basement. On Saturdays to warm up, he lines all twelve of them up and throws flags at them, sliding them backward in formation across his backyard for "backfield in lotion" and "too many men in the cruddle."

P.S. Ron Cherry is also not an attorney. No matter what he says, do not let him represent you in a court of law.

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