THE CURIOUS INDEX, 8/27/2012

GAME READY. Mike Leach's signals his readiness for the season by stepping to the stage with a lip in and, at the two minute mark, derailing the press conference entirely.

"Would it mean more if you were going to BYU to play rugby?" We have officially reached the point in the preseason where there are no more questions to ask. If you need to sedate yourself for three days, please contact a medical professional for a doctor's note for work, and then save pennies by drinking bottles of NyQuil to bridge the dull, worthless time in between now and Thursday.

ISAAC COMIN'. No delays or postponements yet, but with Isaac bearing down on the Gulf Coast Louisiana Tech did clarify this morning that no umbrellas would be allowed in the stadium. Poncho Barry, a local character in Ruston we just made up, says he knew this day would come, and sits smugly on his gigantic pile of army surplus ponchos at the ready. This being Louisiana, they will all be stolen by the governor, who will sell them himself for a huge profit outside the stadium before being jailed for not reporting the taxable profits from the endeavor. (Then he will be re-elected from jail.)

NOTRE DAME WILL PLAY WITH NINE D-LINEMEN AND GO EMPTY AND FIVE WIDE ON OFFENSE. With the suspension of Cierre Wood, Notre Dame has no one in either backfield left to suspend.

THE EGO IS BUT A PART OF THE LSU SUBCONSCIOUS. Their defensive line alone is worth a top 25 ranking, and unlike FSU they have depth and demonstrated value at other positions, too. SO WHY DIDN'T YOU MAKE THEM THE NUMBER ONE PICK, KIRK HERBSTREIT? As always, the rebuttal to any doubt of LSU is "Les Miles," and the rebuttal to that rebuttal is "Les Miles," because the only defense for a genius is the genius themselves. (Grass at Tiger Stadium is looking good, though. A little too good.)

GUHHHHHHH. The provisional Florida depth chart lists Brissett and Driskel as co-starters at QB for the Gators, and please, please be doing that thing where you're just trying to make the opposing team study twice as much tape of quarterbacks throwing interceptions and falling over with no pass protection, Will Muschamp.

OTHER LISTS OF PRIORITIZED FOOTBALL TALENT SURFACE. Including USC's, a list including Silas Redd and Curtis McNeal as co-starters at RB and no clear backup for Matt Barkley. That wily Lane Kiffin and his innovative depth chart conjunctions!

ANOTHER FUN THING ABOUT THE EXTREMELY FUN PAC-12: Islanders, just tons of chill-ass islanders everywhere, including Oregon's new starting QB Marcus Mariota.

WELCOME TO COOKEVILLE. HERE IS OUR ARBY'S. Da'Rick Rogers is transferring to Tennessee Tech, where he can enjoy the taste of great times at O'Charley's because every town of Cookeville's size in Tennessee has an O'Charley's.

REPLACING FAMOUS PEOPLE IS HARD. Good luck, Joe Southwick. It's not going to be easy, even with Chris Petersen personally rewiring your brain.

THIS IS THE WORST. Not the article, which is fine, but the knowledge that Bill O'Brien is a really nice dude who's going to be thrown into a tree shredder this fall and in falls to come at Penn State. Also in the Times: well, look at you, Cajun Boy! Oh, and on that Penn State trustee saying the NCAA has lost its moral compass? They're not the one suggesting ownership of players. (They're the ones writing the stupid rules allowing you to act like this.)

ETC: Take that, dust, and imagine that as a drunk Tommy Tuberville wondering how he ever got to Lubbock and fighting the usual afternoon dust storms. If you are internetting, just remember this important announcement. "We did most of our research into dark matter attempting to explain the career of Greg Robinson, and it has yielded some amazing results, but has still not explained Greg Robinson." Hope you invested well, Tim. Randy Travis and Bobby Brown NEED to hang out.

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