NICK SABAN CANNOT GO INTO THE OCEAN BECAUSE HE WILL MELT

Oh you best believe that shirt's coming off today. Have the chest for the job, show the chest for the job.

The SEC is staging SEC Beach Fest today, a celebration of [confused sponsorships old bands coaches and um SECness golf scrambles sunburns.] Les Miles, Gene Chizik, and Nick Saban will all make appearances at one point. You will recognize each coach thusly:

  • Miles will be shirtless and playing cornhole using jellyfish instead of beanbags.
  • Gene Chizik will be wearing a Tuco shirt and be accompanied by that weird entourage of Auburn people who shadow his every move. (Katie Holmes did it, Gene! You can do it, too! When the time comes, Trooper's got a burner you can use, or seventy of them.)
  • Nick Saban will be the one looking every bit like a man seconds away from involuntarily burning a fiery hole in the seat of his $500 tailored Armani slacks, just begging to be left alone to do the dark, painful business of being himself. Someone please take a picture of this. If we do not receive one, we will just substitute this.

Dr. John and the B-52s are also playing because they like American cash and paying rent. We are not sure Dr. John even has a home, so rent is not the right word here. Dr. John likes buying old class rings off E-Bay and wearing one or two on each finger, and then somehow playing piano with golden human-crab hands. In New Orleans, they like their musicians to be like their crustacean seafood: wearing a protective carapace of something, living under a log in the marshes, and slathered in butter at all times. (Dr John: hits all three requirements, and is thus seafood and a musical legend. QEDMF.)

P.S. Nick Saban will be at the beach eight days before his team plays the opening game of their season. Someone is getting bludgeoned to death with a crystal football for this, and it could be you, Mal Moore. Nick Saban does not care that you just got out of the hospital, because you're going right back there when he's done with you.

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