Derek Dooley wanders through the morning's emails, grumpy and in need of coffee.
guhhhhhh coffeee openin' mah email
grrrrrrrr aaaahhhhhhh nooooo
/rips pants off
I PAID TOO MUCH FOR THESE PANTS! THEY'RE GREAT BUT DUMB AND REALLY IMPRACTICAL EVEN FOR ME.
/grabs spray paint
I HATE DOOR BUT LOVE SWEATERS.
/mails back every piece of junkmail he can find in an envelope full of dog hair
DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT YOUR OFFER IT SUCKS. IF YOU'RE NOT THE ECONOMIST OR KING MAGAZINE GTFO MAH MAILBOX.
/applies for maryland QB coach job
WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER? NOT THIS GUY.
/orders the Big Ten Network
IT'S MOSTLY OKAY!
HEISENTURD TO YOU.
/glues all hair back on his head
/runs into yoga studio
GREEK YOGURT SUCKS AND YOU CAN'T CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE SHEEPLE. NICE ASS, ROW 2, MAT THREE. FOR A FIFTY YEAR OLD LADY THAT'S JUST OUTSTANDING WORK AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT.
/plays Counterstrike 2 with knives only
TEACHING YOU FEAR.
/buys every shirt at gene chizik's garage sale
WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE CHLOROFORM? WORSE YET, WHY DO I LIKE IT?
/renews subscription to ESPN The Magazine
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DO IT BUT SCREW IT I NEED MY RICK REILLY. I SAID THAT OUT LOUD. NOT BACKING OFF IT EITHER.
/storms into a middle school science classroom
THIS IS JUST ANOTHER VOLCANO! JESUS PETE! THIS IS A TENNESSEE PUBLIC SCHOOL, SO I'M SORRY. I MEANT "THIS IS JUST ANOTHER HOT TUB FOR DINOSAURS AND CAVEMEN TO SHARE IN THE YEAR 2200 BC." CAN'T WAIT TO ALL WATCH YOU FAIL OUT OF MTSU. THE LAVA ISN'T EVEN RED! FOOD COLORING ISN'T AGAINST THE BIBLE.
/attempts to flip kentucky recruit, who is actually an old filing cabinet named Darren
"What, honey--" [click]
/burns pile of carefully organized bed bath and beyond coupons
YOU CAN GRIND YOUR OWN FUCKING PEPPER, WORLD.
/comes out of Outback with mouth full of raw meat
DON'T ACT LIKE YOU'RE ABOVE THREE POUNDS OF FRIED ONIONS AND SPICY RANCH, SHITBAG HIPSTERS. YOU'RE NOT ENJOYING IT "IRONICALLY." YOU'RE LOVING IT. REAL FATTY LOVE.
/rents PT Cruiser
IT'S THE GUY FIERI OF CARS. NO APOLOGIES NEEDED.
/puts clean version of Black Rob album on repeat
/drives into Tennessee River
I LIKE IT IT'S REFRESHING AND SMELLS LIKE PROGRESS DOWN HERE FORWARD MY CALLS TO BOTTOM OF RIVER.