Oh, go ahead and taunt Babs Dooley. That's how bitches get stabbed, dumbass. (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)
Tennessee and USC may be doppelgangers. The evidence, shocking as it may be, is there, but let's be clear on the relationship: USC is the light-side Jedi side, and Tennessee is the dark, smudgy mirror image, the other with less talent and a predilection for the dark side.
SHARED FACTORS INDICATING DOPPELGANGERNESS
A. Doofus Prince Coach. Both come from coaching royalty, and both are utter dorks by different degree raised in the conclaves of the college football coaching offspring's elected orphanage. Neither is very good at talking for longer than two minutes without placing a foot in their mouth. Per the light/dark dynamic, Lane's better at his job.
B. Janus Quarterback Dynamic. If Janus' two faces aren't working for you, then use Youth in Revolt. Matt Barkley is Nick Twisp: polite, all sunshine and touchdowns and thank you notes. Nick Twisp would do a Reddit AMA, just like Barkley did, and thank everyone who asked a question. Meanwhile, Tyler Bray is Francois Dillinger, tossing beer bottles off the jet ski and insisting you live life a bit more dangerously while wearing a black suit to media days. (Which he did, like the skinny grandchild of Johnny Cash and a WNBA player mistress.)
Again, Barkley's better, but that's part of the dynamic here.
C. All Wide Receivers. Both teams are just hoping to throw competition into submission via QBs and their superior wide receiving corps, and have no real solid established run threat. USC has a better shot at this, of course, because they are USC and managed to snag Silas Redd as insurance, but again, USC is the lightside of this pair. Tennessee will just suit up Isaiah Crowell under the pseudonym "Marlon Navarone" and hope no one notices.
D. Middling Defense. Not what you're watching either team for in the least. (Shh. Tennessee's is actually pretty good, but it ruins our argument. Keep going.)
E. The Light/Dark Oppositions. Like any good doppelganger, the similarities are balanced with contrasts. USC fans have no pubic hair, while Tennessee fans universally agree you shouldn't be looking down there unless you're a doctor, and even then you have to do it in the dark. USC will win many games, while Tennessee will [CAT IN A THEORETICAL BOX.] USC fans might dab at a slice of pizza to clear extra grease off the top, while Tennessee fans would stare at you with a homicidal glare in their eyes for even thinking of doing that. Tooth whitening versus "toothening."
RESULTS: Tennessee is clearly USC's cousin, but raised in the store room of a Dollar General store and fed nothing but expired sticky buns for the first 12 years of its life.