Before you choose a team, you have to know that there is one person who will always be a fan of that team, and will endure throughout time in a thousand different avatars. For Florida fans, it is a mythical man in jean shorts who has skin cancer and an unending lust for the heads of offensive coordinators. For Michigan fans, it is a grumpy man in a sweatshirt who just remembers when people knew how to behave and do things like men, dammit. For Oklahoma fans, it is the man who will never, ever apologize for ripping a Texas fan's scrotum in a barfight, because someone has to keep those sons-of-bitches in place.

For Arkansas fans, it is this man. His sorrows may be numerous, but his joy? His joy is as boundless as the rippling waves of freedom cascading around his torso. Make sure you are comfortable with your team's spirit guide. He will be with you the remainder of your days in one form or another, and he may be taking his shirt off whether you want your relationship to progress to that next level or not.*

*May also tap your phone and hack your email account if you cross him because, Arkansas.