JOKER PHILLIPS SHREDS

If you have been waiting for the full-length video for J.D. Shelburne's "Farmboy," and you haven't, well, it's here. Joker Phillips plays bass in the band in the video. This is done without irony or references to South Park. Well done, country music.

There are many things in this video, and all of them are terrible except Joker Phillips. Joker manages to keep his dignity intact, something he happens to be really good at as the head coach of the Kentucky Wildcats. It's a requirement for the job, really, since it's going to be rough, and then rougher, and then they'll fire you to hire Tommy Tuberville. You are a better man than we are, Joker, and do a better job faking it as a bass player, too.

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This is J.D. Shelburne. He irons his hair, shops at the mall, and only works out his upper body. He wears a lot of unnecessary wristbands, has noncommittal facial hair, and is stuck in this old barn somewhere up in the rafters with the spiders.

One day, a music executive asked an old farmer if he had anything of use. He said, "No, but there is this thing that lives in mah barn, and pesticide won't kill it, and I don't like to waste mah bullets. Maybe you could help me get it down?" The music executive said yes, because the old man was drunk and frightening, and also holding the gun that held the aforementioned precious bullets. The music executive made a mental note to never, ever run out of gas in rural Kentucky ever again.

The music executive looked up. "Hey, do you like country music?"

J.D. Shelburne looked down from the spot where he was trapped and said, "Mama. Mason Jar." Then he took his hand and gestured upward, because he did this every twenty seconds for no reason whatsoever.

The old farmer scowled. "What you gonna do with him?"

The music executive smiled. "We're gonna make that mongoloid himbo barn owl of yours a star, that's what we're gonna do."

The old farmer smiled, and then shot the music executive in the leg for no reason.

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"You're eight. It's time you learned to drive. If the cops pull you over, say you've got progeria."

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"I'm going to sell the farm to developers. I'm also never going to see you again, because Grampa is movin' to Portugal. They sell wine by the barrel and women by the hour, and that's all the wisdom Grampa's got for you. Life's a mule, son. Beat the shit out of it and hope it's all over with quickly. There's gonna be a Lowe's and a Kroger here in 12 months. Try to pretend that won't be ten times more awesome than driving a tractor around 12 hours a day and firing warning shots over the bank man's head to keep him and the creditors away.

"Don't try to find me: that'll just lead Wynn Duffy right to me, and then we're both dead."

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"But before you drive, let's get you good and hammered. Makes you less suspicious to the police that way."

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Just after saying "F-A-R-M-B-O-Y," this appears on the screen. I see your sly, Douglas Sirkian subversion there, director Cody Cannon.

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QUICK HANG A FLAG ON THE BARN ELSE NO ONE WILL KNOW THIS IS AMERICA AND THEN THEY'LL JUST START SHOOTING

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The barn is literally falling down, making J.D. Shelburne a S-H-I-T-T-Y F-A-R-M-B-O-Y in need of a contractor in a hurry. J.D. is also so religious his guitar goes to church. The angel wing shapes on his shirt aren't sweat: they're a holy stamp of approval for J.D. penchant for slapping crosses all over everything just to make sure people know he and the devil don't, you know, meet on random Thursdays to deadlift and talk about speed metal.

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Woman, just over the right shoulder of J.D.: clearly realizing what a horrible idea this all was, or otherwise caught at the exact moment that morning's Burger King breakfast decided to not let her have it her way. The song contains the song "Live by the bible," which is a great way to alienate the important atheist Kentucky farmer, J.D.

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JOKER SHREDS. He's the most pleasant part of this video besides this: it may lead to Spurrier doing a jig in a Kenny Chesney video, and then Spurrier's fake knee shooting right out of the joint like a howitzer and into Chesney's skull. You want this to happen. Thus do we encourage this, even as J.D. Shelburne pines for the days when he could just hang out in the rafters living off spare barn rats, and ironing his hair with old tractor parts he heated up on the roof.

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