CENTRAL FLORIDA IS NO MORE

Tomorrow, the NCAA will pronounce sentence upon the University of Central Florida, but waiting for the official announcement is pointless when you have the superpower of Irresponsible Speculation! (Danny Sheridan, we are but the young, timid Jean Gray to your Professor Charles Xavier.) Exclusively to you, discerning reader, we present the sanctions UCF will certainly be dealt in a matter of hours:

  • Matchbox Twenty front man Rob Thomas is knighted all-time quarterback.
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  • Marcus and Jeffrey Jordan are named player-coaches for the Men's Basketball team and can only concoct game plans in an Omaha Embassy Suites at odds hours of the night.
  • Team film files replaced with loops of recent Dane Cook stand up performances.
  • Any remnants of the team's "Golden Knights"-era must be melted down and sold to Cash4Gold.
  • All future Pro Combat uniforms must contain a minimum of 16 Tribal tattoo patterns, designs, or homages.
  • Schedule can only consist of games against UNC, Penn State, and Montana. Touchdowns and field goals do not count and the game ends when Mark Emmert rides a golf cart onto the field and steals the football.
  • Must now play all home games at Medieval Times.
  • Loss of 20 Doritos Locos Tacos per year.
  • Exile by Big East.
  • Mascot Knightro replaced by Runny, the old Double Dare nose with a flag in it propped up on a wheelbarrow.

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  • Post-study table meals are now restricted exclusively to whatever Daunte Culpepper didn't eat.
  • Entire team is allowed to follow DaMarcus Smith to Western Kentucky without penalty on the condition that they "have to crash in Kige Ramsey's basement for a semester or two".
  • Athletes may no longer receive college credit for Advanced Outlet Mall Shoplifting.
  • Stripped of 2010 Liberty Bowl victory over GeorgiAHAHAHAHA NOPE IT STILL COUNTS
  • Four words: Head Coach Ted Roof.
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