(The following is presented by esteemed attorney Robert Big Wheel, so please forward all complaints to him at firstname.lastname@example.org)
It's July, the home stretch of the offseason. Every year by now we're pretty sure who's going to win the Fulmer Cup, Georgia's already lost 3 starters to scooter injuries and we don't want to think about the awful stuff we did to get through the offseason (watching baseball). And the Olympics provide a good diversion from our miserable offeseason lives. Below please find the official EDSBS guide to the Olympics:
SPORTS RANKED BY FOOTBALLNESS
Synchronized Swimming. Requires as much teamwork, coordination and endurance as a Nick Saban defense, son.
Weightlifting. In honor of former Rhodes College standout Richard Muscles. (That's Dusty Rhodes College, just to be clear.)
Rugby. It's football for kids whose mothers wouldn't sign the football permission slip.
Water Polo. If you squint at this hard enough it looks like a game on the Boise State smurf turf. They should call the gold medal match the Humanitarian Bowl.
Shooting. They're gonna burn Morgantown to the ground when the Mountaineer wins gold in London.
Cycling. Half of these medals will be vacated in the future, so it's just like watching a UNC game!
Table Tennis. Forrest Gump was a star at football and table tennis. ROLL TIDE!
Equestrian. Little known fact: UVA football began as an equestrian competition.
Gymnastics. It's football, if every team were 11 Noel Devines.
Volleyball. You can't catch the ball, so it's like watching Arkansas in the Sugar Bowl all over again.
Field Events. Seeing fat guys hurl balls in the shot put is reminiscent of the Jared Lorenzen era at Kentucky.
Field Hockey. Because checking out the field hockey girls will remind you of football practice.
Judo. Tyrone Prothro will have a flashback when he sees this.
Rowing. The Henley Regatta is the Euro version of tailgating at The Grove.
Track Events. The 100 meter dash is pretty similar to the Four Verts offense. And the marathon involves watching people run for two hours, just like a Georgia Tech game.
Sailing. The OBC happens to enjoy boating very much.
Boxing. Because 1,000 concussion lawsuits later, this is what football will look like.
Basketball. It's alright, but America would ALWAYS win the gold medal in football.
Golf. Adam Scott's collapse at the British Open made me think his caddy was Mike Sherman.
Handball. It's 7-on-7, so it's football-y only if you're from a really small town or like NFL Blitz more than Madden.
Tennis. Their officials are just as bad as the Pac-12's, but that's it.
Archery. The arrows are long and pointy like down markers. In July, I'll take it.
Canoe/Kayak. Former FSU quarterback Burt Reynolds was in Deliverance. So expect Canoe/Kayak to end up in the Champs Sports Bowl.
Swimming. Lame. Though Mark Spitz has been described as "Schnellenbergerian."
Diving. Good for soccer withdrawal, though.
Wrestling. The Olympic version isn't fixed, unlike college football.
Badminton. "Shuttlecock" jokes get old fast, unlike Ron Prince jokes.
Taekwondo. Because nerds take taekwondo to defend themselves against football players.
Fencing. Totally unlike football, as UVA can beat USC in fencing.
Soccer. I like soccer, but during the Olympics they call it football and that's just the world's biggest cocktease.
Tune in tomorrow, where we'll have even more extremely strained connections between American football and the Olympics, both of which were created to keep extremely hostile ethnic populations from killing each other for a couple of months at a time. (Let us never forget the Battle of Myrtle Beach in 1962, where it seemed night would never come, so brightly did the mini-bottle Molotov cocktails burn.)