FRIDAY TIMEKILLER: LEGENDARY TALES OF ATHLETIC GLORY

Charles Barkley, great American. (Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images)

This being one of the homestretch Fridays, we turn toward one of EDSBS' national pasttimes: time-killing. After reading a very long thread about impossible college athletics stories, we have as a council decided the best thing to do is air our own immortal secrets of time spent around the glorious world of athletics.

The rules and examples are as follows.

  • NO PLAGIARISM. For instance, sure you went to school with Orangejello and Lemonjello, and oh sure you were a bouncer at a bar in NC when you threw Tim Duncan out for being nasty to a lady. You also can use the copy and paste button, and GTFO for that. Stories must be original like this: we did whippits with Gator basketballer Dan Williams at a party at Florida, and it was AWESOME.
  • PERSONALLY VOUCHED FOR. I did in fact have a friend who worked at the Florida bookstore, and I trust her when she says Florida quarterback Doug Johnson tried not only to skeeve free class notes off of her, but also dropped the "Do you know who I am?" on her. She had no idea who he was, and he left in a huff. Be scientific, because the fate of the world depends on this.
  • INTERESTING. "Hey dude, did you know Jason Williams smoked weed at Florida?" is not a fascinating story. What is fascinating is former Gator Channing Crowder befriending one of our associates at a casino, drinking a thousand beers with him over the course of a day, and then when my friend suggested night-bowfishing in the Glades, Crowder saying "LET'S DO THIS" and going harder than a Russian in an overnight fish slaughter. Channing Crowder is one of our greatest Gators, and do not ever, ever forget this.

We start with the following story, naturally about Charles Barkley.While at The Sporting News, we did a story on Inside The NBA on TNT. Charles Barkley required not one, but two PR people present at all times. The PR people, both attractive ladies, informed me that Charles could be "colorful," and asked me not to quote "everything he said, and especially not certain things you'll know are those things."

Then Charles walked up, smiled, shook my hand, and leaned his planetoid head of his into our conversation. He gestured at the two ladies and bellowed "Man, you gotta help me out, I've been trying to make this threesome happen for YEARS, man." And then everyone laughed nervously except for Charles, whose fucks have never been given even in the quantity of one fuck given.

We love you Charles, and always will.

Do your best, and also your worst below.

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