THE CURIOUS INDEX, 7/2/2012

LIKE A SON. A TIGER-SON. "Hey, we need to make an ad for NCAA's new version." "Oh, cool, how about we just use Les Miles and a mascot." [prints money]

Just assume Les is mad at Mike for running an offense with a quarterback Miles wanted as an "Athlete." Yes, LSU fans, he was recruited as an "athlete" everywhere else, but that athlete played quarterback at Baylor while Jordan Jefferson was your starter, and that's never not worth pointing out at every opportunity. Excuse us, we have a John Brantley to put back together in our garage.

DON'T EVER USE MODERN MARYLAND FOOTBALL AS AN EXAMPLE OF HOW THINGS SHOULD BE DONE. Never, ever, especially when discussing fiscal responsibility of any sort whatsoever.

GET MONEY, YOUNG LADY. Erin Andrews will be hosting an evening college football show as part of her new deal with Fox Sports. The idea of a CFB evening show sounds weird unless you consider that soft spot between the afternoon games and evening games, a logical point to stop and have a loose, fun recap/preview show. If only someone would do this show, but without men in ties and commercials...hmm...but WHO...

NOT RELATED. ROLL BODY DYSMORPHIA, BABY.

DEFINITELY RELATED. You really don't want to start this, Alabama fans. First the campus vandalism, then the outright vandalism of homes, and soon your children are born with "GEAUX TIGERS" spraypainted on them, and if you doubt that LSU fans could tag a fetus you clearly don't understand how far they're willing to go.

ALSO RELATED. The appeal of Charles Barkley talking about illegally recruiting kids to Auburn remains one of life's unending joys. "SMU would have been fine in the SEC." Oh, how they would have, Charles.

THE SPECIAL TIME OF YEAR. When people qualify for school by the skin of their intellectual teeth, and thus give reprieve to Tennessee Volunteer fans praying for a full roster.

I FEEL SO CLOSE TO YOU RIGHT NOW, TAMU. The Aggie SEC welcome video uses Calvin Harris' "Feel So Close," and now you're picturing it set to this, and you're welcome. Oh, at midnight on Saturday TAMU and Mizzou both became official SEC members. That's why they woke up to a light rain of Golden Flake potato chips and untraceable gift cards raining from the sky. Expect this weather forever, y'all.

THIS IS NOT OFFICIAL. But the nod to Mizzou's slavin' past will remind everyone that at least one horrible part of you belongs in the SEC's worst, darkest corners.

ILLINOIS NEWS! Hey, an Illinois preview! Hey, an Illinois arrest! Never a little rain without some hail and barn-destroying winds, Illini fans, and then just more rain for eternity.

ETC: Thank you Spain, both for destroying shitty, horrible Italy, and for this. (Even more impressive, given that Spain was actually playing children and Miguel Torres toward the end.) The best part of any African grappling match in a stadium? That horrifying moment around 12:00 when the lights go out. If you get in this van and don't have savage sex immediately, you are not human. Mistah Worldwide! Goin' to Kodiak, Alaska!

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