PLEASE ADOPT ALL OF US, PERFECT PARENTS. Reader Aaron sends us this, which somehow has lurked on Youtube since November without gathering a zillion views.
If the Verne baby is crying while the Danielson one is happy, we must only assume these babies are playing the part of our nation's chuckling college football uncles watching Tebow's demise in the 2009 SEC Championship Game.
LET'S JUST EASE UP ON GRAHAM SPANIER A BIT. It's not like he was a hypocrite in addition to lying on the stand, aiding and abetting a child molester, and no wait we're sorry that's exactly what he is. Carry on, Dan Wetzel. Oh, and more rotten logs, more kicking to be done.
SEC MEDIA DAYS START TOMORROW! We'll be there with a new digital sketch pad, meaning you'll get lots of stupid things like this.
IS IT COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON YET? Lane is telling you that it is not.
TAMU PREVIEWS, YES PLZ. Paul Myerberg does this every day, but the TAMU review is enough to get you started on exactly how supremely thorough you can be with a season preview. (Poor, poor Mike Sherman.)
HOW DO YOU LIKE HIM NOW? Via the endless grapevine of Twitter, either someone who looks exactly like the Notorious T.O.B. is a huge Toby Keith fan, or the Vanilla Thrilla himself is the guy you saw singing along with every song like a...well, we were going to say "star-struck schoolgirl," but aging football coach is actually Toby Keith's perfect demo.
MORE HOT ACC-TION. Please remember that though you think you have the most ACC school ever, unless you are a Wake Forest fan and your quarterback is named "Tanner Price," you are not in fact the most ACC school ever.
STILL MORE HOT ACC-TION. WOOOO LOOK AT ALL THAT HOT AMERICAN TIGER-BEEF. (Via Fesser)
WE MEAN, FOR THE TITLE ALONE. If this is a clue that the part of "Auburn Football Coach" will one day be played by a heavily made-up Gary Oldman, we are totally in favor of this because he's a great actor, and would bring a depth and emotional vulnerability to the role Gene Chizik lacks. (Chizik's best work came in the film Dick Tracy playing "No-Lips Chin-Man," the creatively named crime lord. Everyone who worked at Dick Tracy had exactly zero creativity.)
HE'S IN CONTROL AND IS POLITE. Zach Mettenberger does call Jordan Jefferson "efficient" in this fluffy fluff piece about his upcoming responsibilities as starter, and now when you break up with someone, you know how to damn them with faint praise. "Girl, how was he in bed?" "Oh, he was...efficient." :(
ETC: WATCH THIS FOREVER. Sports GIFs of the week feature extremely incisive MMA tips from Jon Bois. We hope and pray Bas Rutten has not killed this unfortunate young blogger already. Please read this if only for the description of Chris Berman's hammered-ish stumbling about 9/11 and Mike PIazza at the end. We support the premise behind this completely. If you don't really feel New York City as a place, the end of this Joan Didion essay sums up why nicely. (Note: a very old and still productive Didion currently lives in NYC. You should listen to more Scarface, and read more Joan Didion essays.) Danger Guerrero analyzes dinosaur sex. Our society peaked at this very moment.