THE CASE OF PAVLOV V. BIG AND RICH

And this is how it happened.

2006: OH JESUS. For butt's sake, ESPN. What kind of hillbilly jacktards do you think we are? GOOD CHRIST STEVIE NICKS LOOKS AWFUL, and we don't know who that other guy is but he looks like something removed from 1995 Garth Brooks' colon. There's a black guy in a cowboy hat rapping over this. We will now go outside to harvest the blood that is undoubtedly dripping from the apocalypse ready sun. GUHHH SOMETHING ABOUT THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA!

2007: Again? Holy shit, they used this again. They don't even use new demographics in Bristol, do they? Just, "Um, college football, yeah, those red state people, um, THROW A MIDGET IN THERE. People in red states love three things: Seth McFarlane, guns, and midgets." They probably had to show Berman this before they could use it. He's probably like the Jabba of the place, just eating frogs and sometimes pills out of a big aquarium-bowl and saying "JABBA NO BOTHAH" and hitting the trap door button when he sees things he doesn't like. The only thing to ever survive the Rancor is Tony Kornheiser, and he only did it by throwing Mike Tirico between his jaws because Mike Tirico tastes like bad ham and deodorant in your mouth. <----don't ask.

2008: The third time has us thinking that maybe we'll never get rid of this. We're going to have to live with it, just like we have to live with everything we can never really change like humidity, being slow, and having no ability to play the guitar. Starting to hate Craig James for some reason. Funny, but we'll go with it.

2009: Can't even hear it now. There's just this blur of faux-country crap before we watch Gameday and get to the synth-horn flare that lets us know the show's started. You edit things like that in life. For instance, when you drive, you probably only consciously noting two or three things on a typical daily trip. It's probably pretty easy to get you totally lost if someone just placed, say, the third stoplight in the wrong spot. Hell, you might not miss if someone took out whole blocks. You'd probably just think, "Wow, I got to Target really quickly today!" It's all so processed in your brain that Fowler could probably talk about pro football after the intro for a good five minutes before you really noticed.

Wait, is he? Oh god thank heavens he's not because we college fans are all far too effeminate and silly to ever even discuss the serious smart business of the NFL, and the knots on our ties are far too small and well-constructed. (Also, we don't know any owners personally, and a moment's discussion of the NFL without personally serving as some owner's mobile bidet is unacceptable.) Ooh! And we hate paying people for work. That's an important point here, too.

2010: This is the noise we hear before crying at the words "John Brantley" for a solid ten seconds every time he is mentioned. Now hate Craig James for legitimate reason, and wanna give big shoutouts to 2008 brain for getting a good running head start on that. Way to go, hate-brain.

2011: You know, we still objectively hate the song, but [Russian scientist rings bell]--

2012: ---AM COMPLETELY BROKEN PLEASE COME TO OUR CITAAAYYYY BIG AND RICH PLEASE JUST FAST FORWARD THROUGH AUGUST AND START SINGING YOUR HORRIBLE HILLBILLY TRIPE RIGHT NOW PLEASE WE CRAVE IT YOU'VE WON AND WE CRAVE IT.

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