THE CURIOUS INDEX, 7/10/2012

ROO, BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY. Why NCAA 2012 isn't just one long mascot dynasty game, we'll never know. You avoid so many legal issues if, rather than use "Not-Everett Golson" as quarterback, you simply put in eleven wiry cretins in waistcoats and call it your team. You say, "Oh, it would get old after a while, and people would want the realism of the college game!" This person does not understand college football, nor the fact that we are essentially rooting for mascots anyway, nor the extremely fantastic reality of giant kangaroos hammering helmeted b-movie spacemen on interception returns.

We also played Stanford/WKU, and we'll be damned if Big Red doesn't have an impressive set of hips. Positively Weis-ian in his shape, and worse for the pantsuit-fitting lower half of his costume. Tree makes splendid catches and passes despite having no hands, but aside from that note the game itself is a bit beyond marginally better than previous installments.

MIGHT WANT TO CHANGE ATTORNEYS, STORM. If your lawyer is predicting a judge will write anything in exclamation points, you need to consider a change in counsel because judges, like, never use exclamation points. This attorney was also the one who said that Terrelle Pryor didn't do anything against NCAA rules. Attorneys are everywhere please check their expiration date to make sure yours if fresh and not just a big bag of talking cottage cheese that has no idea what they're doing.

DON'T EVEN TRY TO DRINK THIS. Your balls will fly off, grow into bigger, better whole human beings in front of your eyes, and then train you into a killing machine in a mountaintop monastery/fortress before releasing you to turn the world into the just vision the Charlie Strong Maker's Mark bottle seared into your soul.

SURE, HOWARD. It says "curfew violation," but we know the reason Howard Schnellenberger suspended Mark Richt had something to do with suspenders, interrupting his special time with his fur-coated lady, and a pimped-out Cadillac that wound up in Biscayne Bay.

YOU HAVE YOUR INSTRUCTIONS. The part about sausage is just generally applicable to SEC athletics as a whole. Eat it, and for the Bear's sake don't dare ask what's in it.

ETC: Oh, we gettin' meta, WWE? Drew is so close to actually getting on Chopped.

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