THIS WEEK IN HOWARD SCHNELLENBERGER: C-A-K-E

QUIZ TIME. Please identify the fake Howard Schnellenberger quotes salted away in the real ones listed below, and do not place the photo below near any children. Going into early puberty is hard, and will occur instantly if they come into close contact with it.

Stronchnell_large_medium

1. Schnelly, The Evangelist.

First thing you gotta do is go out on the mountaintops and start shouting: Football in paradise! Football in paradise! Football it’s here! Hallelujah!

2. Schnelly, aka Jerry Rivers.

I wanted to be like Geraldo Rivera.

3. Schnelly, the Iron Pimp.

"I’m leg pressing about 200 pounds," he says. "For the first time I’m not blubber anymore. I’m starting to get a hard body. Like all my girlfriends."

4. Schnelly, the Last Free Man.

"I don’t have a friggin’ Z number,"

5. Schnelly, aka Fifty Shades of Grecian Formula Are For The Weak

"Now the whip comes out."

6. Schnelly, Biologist.

"Girls don’t sweat."

7. Schnelly, Master Of His Own Corpus.

"Get up here!" Schnellenberger screams at his leg, yanking on it.

8. Schnelly, The Next Man.

I’m half a bionic man.

TRICK QUESTION: They're all real, and all from a superb profile of Schnellenberger including a gym visit with the Dapper Don himself, and a conversation with a young woman about the band Cake that had us giggle-farting in our chair. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CAKE? A question we all need to ask ourselves, clearly, Herr Schnellenberger.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Join Every Day Should Be Saturday

You must be a member of Every Day Should Be Saturday to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Every Day Should Be Saturday. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker