THE JAMES CAMPAIGN BY THE NUMBERS

By Run Home Jack with graphic by Bobby Big Wheel.

Craig James For Senate is dead, but the post-mortem is just beginning. (Incidentally, Post-Mortem is also a great name for a crime procedural about a mailman who keeps finding murder clues in undelivered letters. Call me, CBS!)

Four percent is...not a lot of votes. That much you can figure out on your own. But what does that number mean? Who did James do well with, and where did he stumble?

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WHERE JAMES STUMBLED:

District 2 - One-third as many votes as candidate Skippy McGate, a US Airways wheelchair with a "ALL FLIGHTS DELAYED" sign lazily propped up in it

District 6 - Received fewer votes than Chris Gaines and tan M&Ms

District 10 - Polls indicated 0% of Jesse Palmers voted for James

District 15 - Finished behind Justin Guarini due to a VHS mixup at the area's largest nursing home

District 16 - Tied for fifth with former Community showrunner Dan Harmon

District 24 - More voter support ended up turning out for Proposition A-4, a law which would allow cigarettes to be sold to minors only

District 27 - Ballot error listed "CRAG JAMES" but Major League Baseball had his name removed from the ballot in the interest of protecting their intellectual property.

WHERE JAMES DID WELL:

White males who don't eat at Del Taco because it's too ethnic - Won 65% of this vote

Stray dogs with an education level of "some college" - 58% of this vote

Voters who identified their main issue as "defending this country against Zoroaster" - 73% of this vote

The Nicaraguan family being held captive in Mike Patrick's attic - 100% of this vote

Upper middle-class heffalumps - 55% of this vote

Public school teachers who play jazz CDs and say it will help you prep for the AP History exam - 61% of this vote

A GRAPHIC REPRESENTATION OF HIS CORE CONSTITUENTS

click for bigness

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A PICTURE OF WHAT MIKE LEACH IS DOING RIGHT NOW

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Or more accurately, he's doing this:

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