THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/3/2012

AND SO I SAID, THAT'S NOT HOW WE DO IT HONOLULU.

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Gene Chizik, fully maddened by the experience of coaching Auburn football, has now jettisoned his entire personality in favor of someone cobbled together from basic cable crime shows. He's not the only one, as you'll see after the jump, but Chizik's case is complete. There's some Scott Caan in there, and a little bit of the entire cast of CSI: Miami, and a little NCIS thrown in there for good measure.

The punter was found this morning coach. He bled out from a stab wound.

Oh really, said Chizik. Time of death?

3:45 a.m., Coachdetective Chizik.

Well, it looks like this crime will need one special team to solve it.

This feels like a fourth and long, sir. No prints, no DNA, and no evidence.

Well, he's got nothing to worry about. Looks like he's already had...

[/takes off sunglasses]

...his last shank. [/yeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh]

PS. His favorite shows on CBS in his own words: One and Half Man, NCSI: Lost Arglyefleas, Harwaii Favre-Oh, Two Broken Girls, and The Amazing Racist. (Note: The Amazing Racist? WOULD WATCH.)

TOMMY REES IS INTERCEPTED AND RETURNED FOR A FELONY. The Notre Dame quarterback assaulted a policeman and was maced in South Bend, Indiana last night. This marks the happiest moment in South Bend's recent history, since even the pain of being pepper-sprayed has to be considered pleasure when weighed against the numbing sadness of everyday life in South Bend.

HERE WE GO TOMMY REES JOKES

  • He ran 99 yards to hit someone, and then mysteriously punched someone else at the 100th yard.
  • In booking his file was incomplete.
  • The fight started during a late-night bakery run when a friend pointed to the turnovers and said, "Hey, Tommy--"
  • A friend playing guitar asked him for a pick, because he's usually got a few on him.
  • Became enraged at Dunkin' Donuts when asked to choose half a dozen and told to "pick six."
  • Attempted to run, but was brought down by a policeman and a one-star MAC linebacker with a torn meniscus in his right knee.
  • Still in line for two Heismans by Beano Cook's count.
  • Reminded of low number of conversions in important matchup against heathen Native Americans by goading priests.

THAT'S ALL WE HAVE. Rees' arraignment is today, and Brian Kelly will be there waiting with a crowbar and a gladiator's net.

RANDY SHANNON HAS TERRIBLE LAWYERS. He wants to be paid the prorated amount due for the Sun Bowl, which really, should anyone ever get paid for the privilege of coaching in North Juarez? It is its own gift, and should be regarded as such.

THIS IS WHO WE THINK IS IN EACH CONFERENCE NOW. We think. North Alabama could be in the Big East by August at this pace.

THAT WAS A DEAL, BUDDY! Why, South Carolina barely spent half a million dollars on their NCAA defense! What a worthy investment of time and money.

MANNY DIAZ APPRECIATES YOU, NERDS. You probably already knew this, but if you didn't: Manny Diaz likes numbers, metrics, and statistics to a degree football might consider suspicious if it didn't work so damn well.

ETC: Richard Branson being Richard Branson. The entire town is under investigation for rape, so it's not just football. Burt Reynolds went to Costco, and would like to tell you about it. The Perfect Strangers video game just destroyed your morning you are welcome. JACKSONVILLE IS SO HOOD IT FIGHTS ON THE GOLF COURSE.

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