A SCIENTIFIC DETERMINATION OF FOOTBALL ADDICTION

"Oh, you have to get over the white line. Here, let me help you in." (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

The Memorial Day weekend provides some time for you to reflect on life. Are you doing what you want to be doing? What does happiness mean to you, and are you getting closer to it? What's that thing living under the deck? And why is it using my wireless? (Answer: it's Carter Blackburn. He's sort of between things right now, but just a few days and he'll be out of here soon enough.)

It's a good time to self-inventory. Thus, we ask: do you have a football problem? We have a carefully constructed ten question test to determine if you're abusing football, or worse still if football's abusing you. NOTE: if you are a Colorado fan, the answer to this is yes, football is doing something so much worse than abusing you. Skip the quiz, and call medical professional immediately.

The brave staff of EDSBS will disclose their answers. The first step is admitting your problem, and the second is wait we're sorry Hawaii-Boise State 2009 just came on ESPN Classic shhhhh it's good for like a quarter STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.

1. How often do you find you watch football than you intended to?






Orson: We don't really watch some football games so much as they watch us. For example, the 2012 national title game looked at us in the first quarter. Then in the second quarter, it leapt from the screen and implanted an egg in our stomach. In the third quarter we woke up. In the fourth, The Ghost of Freshman Year Justin Vincent burst from our chest, and was promptly intercepted by a streaking Dont'a Hightower running through the bar. So if you're wondering what happened to him, well, that's part of it.

RHJ: Each Fall Saturday, I wake up, walk into the living room and think "Well, let's start the day right with some Fitness Beach on espn2." It is, however, 11:30 in the morning and not 1994, so Fitness Beach is never on and I'm inevitably stuck with some Wake Forest game. Did you know that watching Wake Forest football atrophies your muscles more quickly than the weightlessness of space? It's true.

2. How often do you neglect personal hygiene or household chores to watch football?






Orson: Was a problem until we hired John Marinatto as our butler. Is cool, save for rooms of house randomly disappearing and winding up on other people's houses.

RHJ: If you think you can't re-wallpaper a room during halftime, you're not really trying.

3. How often do you prefer the excitement of football to actual human interaction?






Orson: Human interaction is overrated, and if you don't believe us ask Bobby Petrino, whose years of watching Koko the Gorilla videos in order to communicate with humans only resulted in sorrow and misery for all. It did, however, result in the adoption of an adorable kitten Petrino now lives with in a Helena, Montana snow cave.

RHJ: Too vague. Having sex on your own private dirigible counts as human interaction. So does shopping at Target the morning of Mother's Day.

4. How often do members of your family complain about the amount of time you spend with FOOTBALL?






Orson: Having recently adopted Urban Meyer's entire family, this is not a problem whatsoever.

RHJ: My mee-maw, Danny Kanell, never seems to have an issue with it.

5. How often does FOOTBALL interfere with your professional work/ school work, etc?






Orson: Since football is our work, rarely, though we did contract a neurological condition from watching the 2011 Alamo Bowl, and saw people on fire wherever we looked for months afterward.

RHJ: An impossible question to answer, since we've never worked in a world without football. Where would such a counterfactual universe exist...

Ntis_medium

OH HOW'D THAT WORK OUT, YOU MER-DICKS?

6. How often do you check your relevant websites, Twitter, or secret pinhole webcam mounted in your coach's office before doing real work?






Orson: Too often, but you would not believe the things Will Muschamp does before six a.m. with a yoga mat. Down in seven clean bites, every time.

RHJ: Does not apply. You only have to google "brady hoke upskirt" once to learn your lesson.

7. How often does your productivity in general suffer from your time with FOOTBALL?






Orson: INVALID. (See: potential productivity.)

RHJ: How can my productivity suffer when it's been dead for years?

8. Have you or somebody close to you been injured from your inability to control your FOOTBALL habit?






Orson: Only one person, the now-deceased Glen Cummings, in 2004. In case you're wondering how to lose a neurosurgical license, ask his family, as we are legally bound from discussing the case. One clue: what does it take to dry a live brain to dry out? Answer: the exact length of the 2004 Florida/Florida State game, plus however long it takes to have seven celebratory beers at Taco Mac in Decatur. :(

RHJ: No. Even if it had been at a basketball game, I still would have punched that cop. (I thought you had to defeat one to become one. High school was a weird time.)

9. Have you experienced feelings of remorse or guilt after FOOTBALL?






Orson: Only after watching Derek Dooley attempt to manage a clock. Putting the numbers up there like that running backwards is cruelty, and we are all accomplices. Also, watching Randy Shannon, because ALL HIS FRIENDS ARE DEAD. Oh, and Tim Couch running the option, which ran out of comedy and straight into the cruel embrace of tragedy after a quarter or two.

RHJ: You don't start as many fires as I did in SimCity 2000 and have any room left for remorse or guilt.

10. How often do you, when without FOOTBALL, think soothing thoughts about a time when you can use FOOTBALL again?






Orson: Define soothing. Because if this is it, then, um....no comment. We've already said too much.

RHJ: If X = the number of daylight hours during the offseason, Y = the average daily rainfall during the offseason, and Z = the percentage of JAG episodes left that I've never seen, then the answer is whenever baseball is on.

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