THE CURIOUS INDEX, 5/21/2012

GOOD MORNING. THIS IS HOW TO CONVERT 3RD AND 43.

It's amazing how many disparate pieces of human material converge in this single historical garment. Lou Holtz, seen here in the anguish of forfeiting a repeat national title in the final game of the season to hated rival Miami. Notre Dame defensive coordinator Barry Alvarez, coaching his last regular season game before reviving the Wisconsin football program, is the one responsible for that man-to-man there.

Miami's coach, Dennis Erickson, is currently unemployed after an erratic and occasionally brilliant career. Jim Nantz, seen there not sweating a drop of perspiration in the South Florida heat, is now the voice of 58 year old men of indifferent and mild tastes everywhere. Miami defensive coordinator Sonny Lubick is still three years shy of taking the Colorado State job, where he will mentor a young coach named Urban Meyer, who will then return to Notre Dame as an assistant under Lou Holtz. Somewhere in Colombia, Pablo Escobar ran free.

Randal Hill, the wide receiver who pulls down the pass, went on to become a Palm Beach County Sheriff before joining Homeland Security. The man responsible for the celebration penalty as we know it is now busting counterfeiters. And thus does your morning's reality become richer and stranger, and even less productive than it might have been now that you know you can watch the whole thing from the comfort of your desk.

AS INEVITABLE AS JUNE JONES TO ARIZONA STATE. The hardest part about not just this rumor, but any conference expansion rumor from now on, will be their utter plausibility. Florida State to the Big 12, done? Well, sure. Clemson coming along, too? Of course. Georgia Tech to give up football, focus on championship Starcraft, and sell football equipment for Phase One funding for space elevator startup for chain of orbital whorehouses? Totally, but the $482 you'd get for Tech's football equipment is way less than you'll need for that, and no, Paul Johnson ain't letting you sell the overhead projector. He's had five kids with that overhead projector. They've been through things.

COWS VERSUS PIGS LET'S MAKE THIS OUR EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT THING, BIG 12. It's a fine and overdue matchup of a conference of "fighting, murderous things" with "farm animals/banditos."

JOHN L. SMITH IS THE LEAST MEMORABLE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. John L. Smith profile, puffery, etc, but this is worth noting: John L. Smith was something, or possibly not John L. Smith, when sighted for the first time by his wife.

Diana Smith still remembers well the moment she first saw the new boy in school, when he turned a corner at Ammon Junior High.

"I was standing with a bunch of girls thinking, ‘There he is,’" she said. "I didn’t even know it was him, but if that’s ever happened to you, then you would understand."

Famous coach's wife: "I remember him being an indistinct object, not even him, possibly, but you feel me right?"

WE HAVE OFFERED YOU A SCHOLARSHIP. You. Yes, we mean you. We may not even know who you are (like John L. Smith's wife to her husband, for instance,) but if you want one Hugh Freeze probably already has one for you.

MIKE LEACH AND THE SYMBOLIC BEAR. Washington football: a documentedly non-cruelty free substance this season.

ETC: Sinkhole! The movie! Full House Mindfuck One: Brian Wilson appeared, albeit just as a pair of terrified eyes in the back of the shot. (Via Luke) Full House Mindfuck Two: SAGET SINGS. Russia, just constantly wilin'. "What is 'Columnist Confirms Your Deepest Suspicions About Him On A Game Show?'" Jim Gordon on the drums here, known for thumping beats, writing the second half of "Layla," and for killing his mother during a schizophrenic episode.

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