SMRT FOOTBALL: FIVE VERTS

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via smartfootball.com

If you're David Yost, this is the kind of play you design once you hear that Georgia's secondary is going to consist of a converted wideout, a high schooler who won a cornerback job in a Sam's Club raffle, and two Korean women who totally fucked up their study abroad course selections. (200 level Cotillion with Professor Todd Grantham doesn't satisfy your science requirement, no matter how many times he makes you eat magnesium strips.)

Innovation like this is part of the natural progression of football. Get used to it, because it's about to be outdone.

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FIVE KURTS! This play builds on Yost's design by giving each player a very specific assignment:

1. VONNEGUT: Occupies the linebackers by explaining to them that too many of their sentences fail to reveal character or advance the plot.

2. COBAIN: Draws tight coverage from one of the opposing cornerbacks, who is then sued by Courtney Love. She also gives him hepatitis.

3. ANGLE: Confuses the defense by being the only Kurt without sweet hair.

4. RUSSELL: If the safety on his side drops back, Russell pretends to be the ghost of Patrick Swayze and terrifies him. If the safety moves up, Russell shoots him and screams "TANGO AND CASH 2 MAKE IT HAPPEN HOLLYWOOD."

5. RAMBIS: Crashes the boards. Hustles on defensive rotations. Touchdown dance is an air bass guitar routine.

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