DOLLAR DOLLAR BILL Y'ALL: THE KEY PLAY ON THE ACC'S NEW FOUND RICHES

The ACC has a new TV deal, that means...

EDSBS has done our best to figure how the coaches and schools will spend all that new loot. Sources indicate Tom O'Brien splurged on a fancy new Internet Machine so he can browse /r/mildlyinteresting at home:

Yo Dawg, I heard you like TOB, so we put TOB, in your TOB, in your TOB, so TOB could block all your pop-ups.

Maryland didn't buy out Randy Edsall, and they didn't bother to pay off any of the athletic department's multimillion dollar deficit. However, they did build a monster-sized mechanical turtle on top of the scoreboard that flails helplessly when they get scored on:

We all know where Clemson's cut went:

HEY HEY HEY -- I WOKE UP GRABBING MY CARPET WITH THE SWEATS HOT AS FUCK I RAVED TOO HARD LAST NIGHT THERE WERE LIKE A BILLION TWO DOLLAR BILLS SCATTERED EVERYWHERE AROUND MY PLACE BULGING FROM UNDER THE COUCH CUSHIONS OVERFLOWING FROM A BOILING POT ON THE STOVE HALF EATEN MONEY SANDWICH WITH EXTRA MAYO BUT FUCK I NEED TO COOL DOWN I GRABBED TWO OF THESE PISS-EGGS I SPECIAL ORDERED FROM CHINA OUT OF THE FRIDGE SMASHED AND SNORTED THEM UP AND WHAT THE FUCK THE INSIDE OF MY FACE FEELS LIKE A FLOOR ON THE SET OF A GIRL ON GIRL ON GIRL WATERSPORTS SHOOT IT'S AHH WOAH WHAT'S THIS LUMP ON THE BACK ON MY HEAD AND THIS CAR IS MOVING ALL UP AGAINST THE CURB AND SHIT FLASHING LIGHTS.

Even with an extra $4M/year Boston College is still irrelevant, but that's OK because there'll be 12 (maybe, who really knows) Big East schools they can think they're better than. UVa will invest in a partnership with Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey. Their state circus act is going national:

Paul Johnson finally has enough money to not give a fuck about what you think of him, and do whatever he wants. When he's not calling passes on four consecutive downs during crunch-time, he's day dreaming about being north of The Wall with Jon Snow:

Sadly, even with all that money Virginia Tech can't buy a National Championship. The trophy case will remain filled with peanut butter Nips, Frank Beamer's favorite candy, because anything else is too satisfying too damn quickly. BREAKING: Pittsburgh scooped 7 up off the black market. #SelfAwardedNationalChampionChampions #PAWWWLLLLL Also we've learned as part of the deal, the ACC will be offering original programming:

"... and my biggest baggage is knowing that I'll never be half as successful as the guy they forced out."

Oh right, because Swofford-and-the-Gang deserve a ton a money for poaching BIG EAST schools, catering to Tobacco Road, and negotiating for second- and third-tier bowls.

JOE4K is the proprietor of THE KEY PLAY and TYPES IN ALL CAPS DURING THE FOOTBALL SEASON. YOU SHOULD FOLLOW HIM SO HE CAN GET 4000 FOLLOWERS ON TWITTER (SOMEHOW).

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