TO: University of Arkansas
CC: City of Arkansas
State of Arkansas
National Archives Part With Arkansas In It
Bass Pro Shops
Steve Motorcycle, Inventor of the Motorcycle
Mike Sherman's mirdle*
RE: Freedom of Information Act Request RE: Coach Bobby Petrino's Motorcycle "Accident"
WE, the undersigned and legion of the Razorback Nation, do request the following records under the privileges offered by the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA). All of these documents should be public and pertain to the motorcycle crash suffered by Coach Petrino on the evening of April 1st, 2012. We believe there was NOTHING ACCIDENTAL ABOUT IT.
All are requested and necessary to our citizen inquiries.
- A true and accurate copy of the 2011 Arkansas-Texas A&M game tape, addressed to Mike Sherman and accompanied by 18 roses with the buds removed.
--The combination locks to Paul Petrino's artificial knees. These are vital to his testimony in the case, and are kept only by Bobby to ensure he remains in the film room at all times.
--Naked pictures of Rachel McAdams. THIS IS AMERICA DAMMIT THE PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW
--Cellphone records for Houston Nutt's private line from 2009 to 2012. Coach Nutt
--- Computer logs indicating how many times Coach Petrino listened to Shakira's "She-Wolf," both in Engliah and Spanish
--A copy of the Alabama defensive playbook for 2012. This is a crucial piece of evidence.
--- Access to the never-aired Magnum, P.I./Quantum Leap crossover episode because I totally bet he helps Higgins find love.
--A sample of Ryan Mallett's urine, for medicinal purposes
--Any letters, e-mails, or other correspondence tending to show the existence of a relationship between Coach Petrino and the River Bottom Nightmare Band
--Sample of Coach Petrino's oil levels and brake fluid at the time. The bike's, too.
--The old issue of Stuff with J-Lo in the rhumba panties on the cover. It has forensics in it.
--A shitload of blue lights and ornamental sheets of glass for our citizen's crime lab. They help find the criminals, and if they didn't CSI wouldn't have them.
--Dental records. All of them. Don't ask why. FREEDOM.
--Detailed schematics explaining how to beat the Cracker Barrel golf tee game so that there are no tees left. We know this is possible and we are sick of being kept in the dark.
--The names and contact information for three or four very talented blue-chip wide receivers with 800 SATs with no plans for the next three years or so. Must be available immediately.
--Matt Jones's arrest records. We're using them to build a small end table.
All materials must be delivered to Jake's house by 5:00 p.m. April 6th. It's the one on the left. Any failure to meet this deadline will meet with us parking a Pontiac Aztek full of agricultural fertilizer parked outside your house. We may not be able to rig up a detonator in time but it's still a Pontiac Aztek filled with processed shit-leavings out in front of your house. That's like shit inside a shit, which is what you'll be messing with here.
Don't even try to put up the tent on that thing.
WE ARE LEGION
WE ARE LEGEND
WE ARE LEVON
WE WANT OUR FACTS
AND A PIZZA
IF YOU COULD ALSO SEND US A FEW PIZZAS
AND THEN TAKE IT OUT OF OUR TAX REFUNDS
THAT'D BE COOL BECAUSE
WE ARE HUNGRY
AND WE ARE AHAWGYMOUS