A memorandum from COLLEGE FOOTBALL, busy at work in Hollywood, Florida. This post sponsored by Zaxby's, currently holding Rachel Dratch hostage over a tub of dipping sauce.
The four-team solution is clearly the simplest and best solution* to the problem of how to crown a national champion in college football.** The BCS has done a fine job creating exciting matchups, but clearly the people have spoken and demand one thing: a playoff producing a real champion*** for the sport of college football.
The process of deciding exactly how this would happen was not easy.**** With so many great communities***** represented by the schools in the BCS, determining the process of crowning a national champion involved a big discussion about many small details. After some discussion--and not all of it easy!--we think we have a simple answer to having a real good time to end the college football season.
The Four Team Playoff solution works like this.
THE PROCESS OF DETERMINING A FOUR TEAM PLAYOFF
1. A committee shall convene in Miami, Florida no earlier than three weeks prior to the week of conference championship games.
2. The committee will track the course of the regular season's finale, and weigh several factors in determining the best teams for the four spots using a simple rubric: strength of schedule, consistency, and room service. Just shitloads of room service, preferably from the Fontainebleau's trained staff of service professionals. Embarrassing amounts of plates outside hotel rooms, really.
3. Selection committee consists of Bob Toledo, Scott Storch, and a cockatiel that thinks option offenses are bullshit. The cockatiel is also known as Bill Callahan.
4. With conference champions crowned, the bidding for the semifinals games may begin. This bidding process will be an open process in accordance with modern standards of transparency. Please make all checks payable to Bill Hancock, who does not exist and is in fact an LLC registered in Pulau.
5. Qatar wins all semifinal bids with allure of unpaid slave labor subsidizing large, profitable athletic events. Why? Oh, no reason.
6. Bids will then be extended to the four teams the committee determines most deserving of those four slots. These should be the ranked teams occupying slots 1-4 in the AP poll UNLESS said conditions apply.
Some conditions do apply.
IF number two team is BIG TEN CHAMPION, then you jump immediately to WARP ZONE. Advance to level 7-3 and claim Outback Bowl championship two years in advance of present year.
IF Notre Dame THEN receive $8 million check for whatever echoes Irish Ottoman Empire of College Football pashas why do you deny the Armenian genocide Notre Dame whyyyyyy Bob Davie killed millions--
IF SEC CHAMPION is Alabama THEN advance to title game regardless of record AND receive free Dodge Challenger recently acquired clean and legal-like from Texas corporate motor pool.
IF number one team is BIG EAST CHAMPION THEN claim rounding error and place in Orange Bowl.
IF number one team is BIG EAST CHAMPION and THEN appeal is made THEN dismiss in feedback loop and send to NIT BASKETBALL TOURNEY
IF previous condition involves DANA HOLGORSEN as champion coach THEN disregard present rule AND advance flat of VINTAGE SPARKS ALCOHOLIC ENERGY BEVERAGE to hotel of DANA HOLGORSEN.
IF finalist equals PAC-12 CHAMPION THEN game reverts to JOHN WOODEN VIRGIN SPACELINES MOONBASE BUBBLEFIELD SPONSORED BY RICHARD BRANSON.
IF finalist is Boise THEN rule is invalid SEE BOISE EXCLUSION RULE
IF omitted team on edge of four spot is TEXAS THEN place MACK BROWN in BATHYSPHERE and lower to BOTTOM OF MARIANAS TRENCH for silence initiation and isolation process.
IF regional semifinal is played in INDIANAPOLIS and involves BIG TEN TEAM versus SEC in Indy THEN begin cold weather bravado with IMPLIED PUSSY ARGUMENT while wearing LARGE ANORAKS. THEN close roof on Lucas Oil without IRONY and LOSE IN COMFORT.
IF semifinal matches team coached by TODD GRAHAM for any team THEN grant TODD GRAHAM freedom to leave and coach dream job with BOLTON WANDERERS in the EPL, where he has FAMILY.
IF GOOD TIME THEN PITBULL fed into TREE SHREDDER FEET-FIRST in WHITE SUIT.
IF national champion is Kentucky THEN Mayans.
It's just that simple, and you're welcome,
P.S. ATV Commercial.
P.P.S. We need $1.2 billion over the next five years for this to happen. Please note this constitutes a donation to a tax-free non-profit, and may be noted as such on your taxes. Please send us a check for this amount immediately payable to "College Football."
*Simple solutions brought to you by OfficeMax.
**A national championship: you can build one with Home Depot.
***Champion sportswear is the official sportswear of champions.
****Unlike the easy choices consumers find at Cars.com.
*****Like the communities you'll find protected by the good hands of Allstate Insurance. Mayhem! Mayhem.